Step-Parenting

[vraiblonde]

I do agree with you to a certain extent. If it's that bad, and she feels that the only way she will have peace is to leave, then that's up to her. But there will be someone who gets hurt. And even though this child acts all tough and rebellious, as well as disrespectful, we're still talking about a small child. And even though the child is not her own blood, should that be a reason to make it easier to walk away?

Okay, the child's own mother and father didn't stay together for her sake. Why should the step-mother suck it up, especially when the child has no relationship with her and likely never will??

 

[dobeday1]

Okay, the child's own mother and father didn't stay together for her sake. Why should the step-mother suck it up, especially when the child has no relationship with her and likely never will??

All that I'm basically saying is, even a child as difficult as they may be, still deserves at least a chance to be a part of a descent family. Grant it, it is a family that has a lot of stress in it right now. But the point is the "mother" did leave. That's my point. The step mom should have at least known a little bit of what she was getting into before she married her husband. Now if she leaves, the child even though only 4.5 years old, will have even more issues than when the first marriage broke up. I don't think that it's fair to the child either.

 

[mAlice]

All that I'm basically saying is, even a child as difficult as they may be, still deserves at least a chance to be a part of a descent family. Grant it, it is a family that has a lot of stress in it right now. But the point is the "mother" did leave. That's my point. The step mom should have at least known a little bit of what she was getting into before she married her husband. Now if she leaves, the child even though only 4.5 years old, will have even more issues than when the first marriage broke up. I don't think that it's fair to the child either.

I'm pretty sure I read that this is shared custody.
It's not a decent family until the breeders decide they want the child to have boundaries.
The child is going to have issues, and the step mother will have no say in it. That has been made crystal clear.

 

[ocean733]

You need to be able to have a say. My fiancee's 2 boys have some behavioral issues and the other day one of the boys was having a temper tantrum. Fiancee said to boy "Hey, buddy, why don't you go get some ice cream?"

I felt I had every right to tell fiancee that under no circumstances will he REWARD his child for his behavior!!! He said that he was just trying to change his son's mood.

Needless to say, boy did not get ice cream (a reward) for being an idiot.

I don't feel bad about voicing my opinion

 

[godsbutterfly]

You need to be able to have a say. My fiancee's 2 boys have some behavioral issues and the other day one of the boys was having a temper tantrum. Fiancee said to boy "Hey, buddy, why don't you go get some ice cream?"

I felt I had every right to tell fiancee that under no circumstances will he REWARD his child for his behavior!!! He said that he was just trying to change his son's mood.

Needless to say, boy did not get ice cream (a reward) for being an idiot.

I don't feel bad about voicing my opinion

I agree with you there. My own children and now my step-children have learned one of my favorite sayings very quickly which is "I don't reward bad behavoir." Kids learn quickly and if they see that pitching a fit at the checkout line means you'll shove a candy bar in their mouth then guess what happens every time you go to the store? When you are part of someone else's life you should have equal say with their child and I am so glad my hubby and I are coming to terms with that or our marriage would never be able to work.

 

[vraiblonde]

Now if she leaves, the child even though only 4.5 years old, will have even more issues than when the first marriage broke up. I don't think that it's fair to the child either.

I have news for you: that child will be thrilled that the evil step-monster with all her rules is gone. She will be tickled to now be able to manipulate her Mommy and Daddy at-will and do whatever she pleases.

You're projecting your adult emotions onto a spoiled child.

 

[vraiblonde]

I'm pretty sure I read that this is shared custody.

Well cut it out. You're supposed to ignore the posts and just respond to what you think it says, with advice that has nothing to do with the topic and is decidedly unhelpful.

 

[mAlice]

Well cut it out. You're supposed to ignore the posts and just respond to what you think it says, with advice that has nothing to do with the topic and is decidedly unhelpful.

My bad.

 

[Tigerlily]

I have news for you: that child will be thrilled that the evil step-monster with all her rules is gone. She will be tickled to now be able to manipulate her Mommy and Daddy at-will and do whatever she pleases.

You're projecting your adult emotions onto a spoiled child.

This is the most acurate post of this thread. Daddy's little princess knows exactly what she is doing and is probably relishing the day when step- monster leaves, so she can have Dad all to herself again.

MIL seems to be expressing that if step-monster were to leave maybe her little precious grandaughter's mom and dad could work it out. Fantasy Island view at that.

Dad seems more like a buddy than a parent and probably thought that marrying step-mom would provide him and his brat both with a mother & maid.

Alas there is the frustrated step-mom/wife, who in retrospect leaped before she looked at the big picture and now is pulling her hair out that no one seems to relaize that this precious little monster in controlling the whole damn show.

I think Dad needs his azz beat.

 

[ocean733]

Some parents need to be reminded that they are not their children's friend.

Nor should they try to be.

They are the boss (and love them).

 

[clevalley]

I disagree with you here. I don't think they need to get the ex involved. Think about how she'll react when her husband tells her how to raise her kids. Ideally, the parents would want to be on the same page with parenting styles, but that's probably not going to happen. The child will learn what the rules are at each house.

Let me tell you from experience here - the biggest problem with my step-child was two different rules at the homes. Our home was structured, we had a set bed time, shower every night, homework was to be done after school, we all ate dinner together and we had family time together as well.

The dads home was the exact opposite - no rules as long as nothing got broke - dinner was McDonald's, they stayed up until mid-night or later, home work was done when he was dropped off at our home...

All this was done out of spite - the dad played the child against mom...

Bottom line - both homes NEED to be on the same page for the child's sake and a line of communication should be open about the child. No matter how bad the EX situation is, it is the CHILD who is going to suffer unless the parents can suck it up and communicate only about the child and for the child's upbringing - anything else is selfish.

My wife and her ex had a horrible divorce and custody battle - the child suffered and has paid his dues, and then some - he is now 22 and finally getting his life together because one parent spited the other and would not get on the same page and provide structure for the childs upbringing.

 

[poster]

I have news for you: that child will be thrilled that the evil step-monster with all her rules is gone. She will be tickled to now be able to manipulate her Mommy and Daddy at-will and do whatever she pleases.

You're projecting your adult emotions onto a spoiled child.

This I don't agree with. IMO the child is too young to think in this way and I don't believe the child would have a motive for her actions beyond the simple end result.

If I throw a fit then I can have the candy kind of thinking.
Simple cause and effect emotions at this point.

Couple more years now - then she'll be manipulative. That's when they'll have enough and try to tighten the screws. Then they'll be rebelling and lets see...they'll be drugs, crime, sex all those things to choose from and it'll be to late for this kid. Sad fact is the kid loses.

 

[Sharon]

I have been with a man for 4 years now and we just got married. He has a child from a previous marriage, age 4.5. I know children at this age can have their tempers and such and not want to listen. But I have no idea of how to go about step-parenting this child. The father, my husband, wants to give this child everything the kid asks for, including if the child will not go to bed, he lets the child stay up until whenever, and then sleep on the couch, all the time. If it is just me and the child alone, the child listens to me and does what I ask, but when dad gets home from work, its totalyl different, child does not want to listen to me, probably because it knows it can get away with anything when the dad is around. Dad thinks that because he does not see child all the time, its okay to spoil the child. I see nothing wrong with spoiling, but this is beyond. Child never wants to eat dinner, only wants soda or chocolate milk, never will drink white milk or water. Mother of child is living with her boyfriend and child says they on couch at mom's house (probably why child wants to sleep on couch at our house all the time). Mother takes child to McDonalds and if child yells, gives child what they want. I just find it hard to deal sometimes, I cannot discipline this child, as they are not my own, and father does not want me to at all be disciplinatory with this child. Causes lots of arguments between us. I am not strict, but I do like a set routine for a 4.5 year old.

A smart person would've worked thru all the "parenting issues" with their spouse-to-be before getting married. It's obvious you both have different parenting styles. Don't get pregnant unless you want to live with this nightmare non-parent forever - either together or while he's having his custody weekend with YOUR kid after the marriage breaks up. Think your life sucks now, just wait.


You've been with him for 4 years and the kid is 4 1/2. Was he with someone else when you met? Married? Something ain't right. What were you thinking?

 

[charlesctygal]

A smart person would've worked thru all the "parenting issues" with their spouse-to-be before getting married. It's obvious you both have different parenting styles. Don't get pregnant unless you want to live with this nightmare non-parent forever - either together or while he's having his custody weekend with YOUR kid after the marriage breaks up. Think your life sucks now, just wait.


You've been with him for 4 years and the kid is 4 1/2. Was he with someone else when you met? Married? Something ain't right. What were you thinking?

He was not with anybody when I met him. Him and his wife had been separated since before the child was even born. They were separated from when she was two months pregnant, and it was because she was having an affair (the child is his though, DNA testing proved that). She continued her affair even after finding out she was pregnant. Disguisting, I know! He moved out as soon as soon as ex-wife told him what was going on. She wanted kid to be her "paramour's" baby.

 

[Larry Gude]

Look...

I do agree with you to a certain extent. If it's that bad, and she feels that the only way she will have peace is to leave, then that's up to her. But there will be someone who gets hurt. And even though this child acts all tough and rebellious, as well as disrespectful, we're still talking about a small child. And even though the child is not her own blood, should that be a reason to make it easier to walk away?

...what you are asking her to do is sacrifice her own sanity for this man who he has already made it clear that he's going to keep on doing what is making her crazy.

Counseling can be great and can be effective if and only if both parties are willing to recognize what they are doing wrong and to fix it. It's not likely this is a one sided affair, angel v. bad guy, but all that can be commented on is what is posted herein, so, if he refuses, there's a fixed point for her to work with.

 

[Roxy1104]

I have not read this entire thread but I do have experience with this issue - I was the stepchild. My mother died when I was very young and when my father got remarried all was ok, for a bit. Then the "demand" of "I'm the mother of this house now, and you will do as I say" started. She threatened to commit suicide when I refused to call her "mom." She was not my mother, and I was old enough to know better. Eventually it got to the point where she set the rules for her kids, and my dad set the rules for my brother and I. The rules were very different, and very unfair. At least they seemed that way to me at the time. But I'm a better person for it. My dad was very strict. At least I didn't pop out 3 kids before I was 20 like my stepsister did. And my stepmother even went to the extent to invite me over for dinner when my dad was out of town only to tell me that when he died, I got nothing, she got it all. She got it all anyway - she even gave things that belonged to my mother to her daughter, and not to me. She eventually gave my dad a choice - told him it was either me or her, and if he chose me, he better "F" me like I am his wife. Yea, she's a real sicko. Totally has destroyed all relations I have with my father. My oldest son had a stepfather who was absolutely wonderful to him. He was better with him than his natural father was. And my son had the utmost respect for him. I couldn't have asked for anyone better than him. Unfortunately, "we" didn't work out after many many years together, and he has since passed this life. In your instance, I would might suggest a parenting class for you and your husband (sounds like he needs to be EDUCATED). They offer them through the Health Department and some of the local churches offer them also. I took one a few years back when my second son was 3. It was a great class, and even though it's my second time round with a child and being single, and I'm much older and wiser than I was back then, and I learned A LOT. This child is testing you to the max. And yes, they know how to do that at 4-1/2!

 

[charlesctygal]

I tried talking to him last night and all hell broke loose. Whenever he doesnt want to talk about something he gets irate and starts throwing stuff. Last night he threw his pack of cigarettes on me and told me it was my fault becaues I was making him angry. Its always my fault according to him. I start all the arguments and him and his daughter can do no wrong. He went into his daughters bedroom and told her I was being mean to him, so she comes out with him a few minutes later and she starts hitting on me (not that it hurt or anything) and told me she did not like me. He just sat there and laughed. It got real bad and now he says I have to leave. Its in both of our names, but I certainly dont want to stay there. Now I look for a place to stay, everything is so expensive.

 

[mAlice]

I tried talking to him last night and all hell broke loose. Whenever he doesnt want to talk about something he gets irate and starts throwing stuff. Last night he threw his pack of cigarettes on me and told me it was my fault becaues I was making him angry. Its always my fault according to him. I start all the arguments and him and his daughter can do no wrong. He went into his daughters bedroom and told her I was being mean to him, so she comes out with him a few minutes later and she starts hitting on me (not that it hurt or anything) and told me she did not like me. He just sat there and laughed. It got real bad and now he says I have to leave. Its in both of our names, but I certainly dont want to stay there. Now I look for a place to stay, everything is so expensive.

It sounds like you're lucky to be getting out without black eyes and broken bones. You have friends you can stay with 'til you find a place?

 

[Ponytail]

I tried talking to him last night and all hell broke loose. Whenever he doesnt want to talk about something he gets irate and starts throwing stuff. Last night he threw his pack of cigarettes on me and told me it was my fault becaues I was making him angry. Its always my fault according to him. I start all the arguments and him and his daughter can do no wrong. He went into his daughters bedroom and told her I was being mean to him, so she comes out with him a few minutes later and she starts hitting on me (not that it hurt or anything) and told me she did not like me. He just sat there and laughed. It got real bad and now he says I have to leave. Its in both of our names, but I certainly dont want to stay there. Now I look for a place to stay, everything is so expensive.

It would only get worse if you stay. There isn't a councelor or therapist alive that would tell you any different. But start seeing one anyway so that you stay strong enough to not go back to this guy.

 

[vraiblonde]

I tried talking to him last night and all hell broke loose. Whenever he doesnt want to talk about something he gets irate and starts throwing stuff. Last night he threw his pack of cigarettes on me and told me it was my fault becaues I was making him angry. Its always my fault according to him. I start all the arguments and him and his daughter can do no wrong. He went into his daughters bedroom and told her I was being mean to him, so she comes out with him a few minutes later and she starts hitting on me (not that it hurt or anything) and told me she did not like me. He just sat there and laughed. It got real bad and now he says I have to leave. Its in both of our names, but I certainly dont want to stay there. Now I look for a place to stay, everything is so expensive.

Gee, maybe all you two crazy kids need is a little family counseling.

Sorry to hear the talk didn't go well, but I think you already knew it wouldn't. Call a friend or family member and see if you can stay with them for a bit. The good news is that you're a singlet and don't have to worry about housing children and providing for them. It could have been a hell of a lot worse.

Good luck to you, chica!