Straighten me out

[vraiblonde]

For the record, I never said that about the shrink... as another person that tends to be "righteous and therefore harsh"... I would expect the same rebuttal from a shrink towards me...

I don't think of you as "harsh" - I think of you as "honest".

 

[jazz lady]

Based on what I'm seeing, there is a lot of confusion as to what EXACTLY is the issue and a lot of hair-splitting going on. You have yet to get to the root of the problem IMO as everyone is interpreting the sessions in their own way.

Nope...
...we're on the same page. I'm just learning to more clearly communicte to her specific concerns without it sounding like I'm attacking. To learn to be a bit more nuanced or aware of the overall picture, thoughts and how past behavior may color things in some manner. To be able to walk a few steps in her new gold boots, so to speak, and allow sensitivity into my thought process to express my feelings.

She's working on how to more clearly tell me to #### off when she's busting some kids azz.

I agree.

I think, honestly, that a lot of it is just my personality. I am a very direct person (I know this will shock all of you ) and not given to euphemisms and soft words. Frankly, I like that about myself and I like it in others. So I don't particularly want to change.

I rest my case.

 

[morganj614]

I rest my case.

their homework for tonight should be to read your post.

 

[kwillia]

I don't think of you as "harsh" - I think of you as "honest".

But sometimes I am brutally honest and that tends to backfire when trying to get my message across. I am still learning on when I should be "pulling in the reigns"...

 

[RoseRed]

she went and got gold Elaine boots?

They are quite fetching.

 

[vraiblonde]

I rest my case.

 

[vraiblonde]

But sometimes I am brutally honest and that tends to backfire when trying to get my message across. I am still learning on when I should be "pulling in the reigns"...

ME TOO!!!

That's why I want to know exactly what I did that was so harsh, and what would be a better way to communicate in the future. I do this with the kids - they give me a snippy reply and I say, "Okay, that was one way to tell me. What might be a better way? "

All I'm asking for is to have Larry do that for me.

 

[Nanny Pam]

"Please" ?

 

[Larry Gude]

Simple...

All I'm asking for is to have Larry do that for me.

...enough.

 

[Oz]

Okay, so we have stealing, and we have lying. So we can agree on common English terms for these acts.

About the stealing:

Let's say that Z took something out of A's purse without her knowledge, stuck it in her (Z's) pocket.

Is it possible that Z meant it as a joke? Thinking A would look in her purse and go, "Oh no! Where's my (fill in the blank)???" and Z would then pull it out of her pocket and go, "Ha!"

So that's the question - is it possible that Z took A's belonging as a joke?

As you can see, I'm still on page 1. But I think I can shorten this whole thing by just simply asking if "she" got "her" missing Diva Cup back?

Or do I have to read the rest of the nearly 300 posts?

 

[Pandora]

I am very blunt. I have always been that way. I say exactly what I need to say and say it, which is why I do not do well around sensitive people or those with low self-esteem.

But that said, I think there is a tremendous difference between being brutally honest/direct/blunt than harsh. Harsh to me is when a person over extends what they need to say and adds additives that don’t need to be there to convey a point, and/or they may continually ride a person once they’ve said what they’ve needed to say.

There is no way to tip toe around something so clear as taking something out of a person’s purse and putting it in theirs, that is theft, and the joke excuse is out the window when the person was not direct in a response when asked, therefore they lied. This makes them a liar.

Now, if when saying that ^ a person tosses in “you’re a loser; you’ll never amount to anything; you always; you never; you’re this; you’re that” well than guess what, it’s on. Attitudes are contagious in my opinion and you get what you give. I’m not perfect and everyday I make my fair share of mistakes. I had somebody in my office today that I stated what I needed to say and he gave me excuses in rapid fire, one after another. Instead of saying ok that is enough, I walked him down the hall and said something sarcastic like “yeah Mr. I guess that is your wife’s fault too since nothing is EVER (and I emphasized the word “ever”) your fault, because if it wasn't for everyone else in the world, your life would be so perfect."

See… fine example of saying what needs to be said than I let my irritation get the best of me by adding something that really didn’t need to be said. Of course I really pissed the guy off at this point.

 

[jazz lady]

their homework for tonight should be to read your post.

I wonder if they've completed their "homework" yet.

 

[vraiblonde]

See… fine example of saying what needs to be said than I let my irritation get the best of me by adding something that really didn’t need to be said. Of course I really pissed the guy off at this point.

Ding. The light comes on.

I'm kind of because you managed to clarify and make me understand it in one post, where the counselor hasn't been able to do that in three months. She keeps saying it's my "method" and calls it "unsolicited advice", but no specific examples so I can understand what she's talking about.

Good post Where shall I send your $100?

 

[nightowl]

But that said, I think there is a tremendous difference between being brutally honest/direct/blunt than harsh. Harsh to me is when a person over extends what they need to say and adds additives that don’t need to be there to convey a point, and/or they may continually ride a person once they’ve said what they’ve needed to say.

There is no way to tip toe around something so clear as taking something out of a person’s purse and putting it in theirs, that is theft, and the joke excuse is out the window when the person was not direct in a response when asked, therefore they lied. This makes them a liar.

Now, if when saying that ^ a person tosses in “you’re a loser; you’ll never amount to anything; you always; you never; you’re this; you’re that” well than guess what, it’s on. Attitudes are contagious in my opinion and you get what you give. I’m not perfect and everyday I make my fair share of mistakes. I had somebody in my office today that I stated what I needed to say and he gave me excuses in rapid fire, one after another. Instead of saying ok that is enough, I walked him down the hall and said something sarcastic like “yeah Mr. I guess that is your wife’s fault too since nothing is EVER (and I emphasized the word “ever”) your fault, because if it wasn't for everyone else in the world, your life would be so perfect."

See… fine example of saying what needs to be said than I let my irritation get the best of me by adding something that really didn’t need to be said. Of course I really pissed the guy off at this point.

Good post, something my nephew's therapist also said about my dealings with the kids (I have 3) is, "use less sarcasm and you'll get better responses". I know he hit it right on because it's clear from my sarcasm we have become a whole family of sarcastic people. Sometimes it can break the tension and bring laughter but other times it can make things way worse. Sort of goes back to "if it's not funny to everyone then it's not a joke".

I think also being able to let it go is important. We can only beat a dead horse so long. My husband says I'm famous for that too, going on and on and on and on and on and on.

 

[2ndAmendment]

I can't buy into that theory and I'm the one with the bio kid. I chose to be with him and to bring him into my son's life if I don't have the utmost trust in his ability to parent I should have chosen differently. We parent together. Even if I do think he's wrong I stand united with him in front of the kids and we discuss the issue later behind closed doors. If I were to ever be single again I couldn't and wouldn't be with someone who I didn't trust 100% and the same would have to be said for me if they had a kid. When your kid is in "our" house it's our kid.

There is the best advise I've seen in this thread so far, but I am still reading.

For the record Vrai, your councilor is off base and so is Larry; it was stealing and it was lying.

 

[2ndAmendment]

But Pixie your children are still young......I completely see your viewpoint. We are talking teenagers here or young adults, that already have had set values before the other spouse came in the picture. I would never argue with my hubby when he was scolding my teen for something. If I did not agree with him, we would discuss it behing closed doors.

Kids, teens, doesn't matter, the parents need to be united in parenting or the kids, step-kids (what ever age) will use the division to drive the parents apart. Parents need to be on the same side in all parenting issues.;

 

[2ndAmendment]

...given that the words were not the issue.
Of course, I could be lying.

Or a a couselor might put it, perceiving from a different point of view. More psychobabble!

 

[2ndAmendment]

...I offering up something here. She does have an issue with taking responsibility meaning, to me, she has not been taught enough and held responsible enough for shirking the truth, the whole truth. I do NOT hold yopu repsonsible for that.

I've taken issue with you in SOME of how you go about it; not the fact that you ARE a very good parent. All I've ever said is sometimes you can be a little rough.

Sometimes, rough is what is needed. If "rough" comes united, then the child has to "see it the parents way." If "rough" only comes from one parent, then the child has an alternative and can cause a wedge between the parents. Looks like this is what is happening to you guys.

 

[2ndAmendment]

If Larry could beat me to it, I'd give him a medal. I don't have illusions about any of the kids - his or mine. They are/were adults in training and the only way they learn is if you teach them. It's nothing personal.

Doug (the oldest and mine) was a terrible liar. He'd make up these dumb kindergarten stories about why he was late getting home, why his car bumper was laying in the yard, etc. Larry called him (rightfully so) a liar and the stories he made up "lies". And so did I.

:shrug:

It is absolutely personal. You love the person and want them to learn right from wrong, be responsible for their actions, and to appreciate their affect on others. If it wasn't personal, if you didn't love them, you would just ignore them until they were old enough to be on their own and show them the door.

 

[Vince]

I remember lying to my mother once. Ate a half bar of soap, blew bubbles out my mouth, nose and azz for a week. Didn't lie again, but I had the cleanest insides of anyone in my 1st grade class.