Off to a great start...

[Bann]

I think going into a new relationship you have to consider the fact that it could be incredible. Otherwise why bother. The disaster part only reveals itself later if at all. There is a Tennyson quote in there somewhere.

I like this. Really like this.


Foxhound and I are also opposites in most ways. We are alike in some ways, also, and I think those are the areas we get into difficulty with sometimes. The relationship just happened along for both of us - neither were looking. I agree with Monello - look for the incredible -why else bother? I also agree with Vrai - both of you bring various strengths and traits to the table. Let it be that way.

I also think as we "get older", what we look at as "important" in a relationship is just different than when we are in our 20's. I didn't need a house, a father for my children, a bread winner to let me be a SAHM. I have a friend, a partner, a lover - someone who is totally into ME. I hope I give him half as much as he gives me, actually.

 

[vraiblonde]

I also think as we "get older", what we look at as "important" in a relationship is just different than when we are in our 20's. I didn't need a house, a father for my children, a bread winner to let me be a SAHM. I have a friend, a partner, a lover - someone who is totally into ME. I hope I give him half as much as he gives me, actually.

This is worth repeating. Women our age are no longer looking for a guy to give us things, supplement our income, or father our children - chances are we already have all that. At our age, our man has one job. If he does that one job consistently and well, he's golden.

 

[SoMD_Fun_Guy]

OK folks, opposites??? She and I could not be more opposite. I suppose we could but, it would be hard.

She is neat and tidy. Likes nice things. Is not a procrastinator. Is not much of a drinker. Is an achiever. Very accomplished. Been around the world. Lots of been there, done that and I scare the #### out of her because she's never hit it off with anyone like this in her life and she says she shouldn't like ANYTHING about me. Very blunt about it, too.

I'm a lazy bum redneck beer swilling, procrastinating, disorganized slob. And I am thoroughly enjoying our differences. I've reached a point where a lot of, if not all, of my insecurities are gone. I no longer need to be THE man. I know longer need to be RIGHT. I no longer need to be THE BOSS.

This chick is so much smarter than me it's off the scale. Bossy as all hell and she's clear how EVERYTHING would have to change were we to have any sort of future. Well, not everything. She likes and is attracted to the basic me, just not the lazy slob part who is comfortable with the mess. I'm not. Not really. Just not motivated enough to change it. Rather go for a ride, play guitar.

What do y'all think about nearly absolute opposites?

Your description makes me think of:


So she's a female Felix and you're Oscar.
It could be a perfect match.


But tell us Larry, how does she fit your own posted description of what you are looking for?
(Work, Band, Riding, Farm, Old Friends, Kids ...)

I am actively looking for a girlfriend. However, I have HUGE things going on at work that take up a lot of time but, are fun as ####. My entire life has changed from a cyclical on/off program to ongoing. Much less intense day to day and much more consistent. Sanity has arrived. On top of that I am absolutely determined to put my spare time into a band. That means practice once during the week and playing out once a month or more and some weekend rehearsals. My new business schedule allows for it, finally. Not chasing anything more than that; a hobby. Not a fantasy.

On top of that, I have some pals who are tactical trainers and I am committed to keeping up with them some socially and not just at the range and they're not next door meaning it takes a weekend to hand with them. On top of that is riding street and dirt bikes. Then, there is the farm to be on and around, especially the horses which are just fun to hang out with if only a few minutes every day. Plus my living style has become somewhat animal house with my new business partner and, frankly, I like it. Some of our best, most productive business meetings we have center around burping and farting and drinking beer and being just a bunch of guys on Saturday mornings. Chilling out and just pausing for awhile like this allows some excellent solutions to reveal themselves. And then I have my kids, including Michigan and Texas, that I miss and want to see a few times a year. And then her friends and family and interests.

So, there is a fair bit of fitting in and around she'd have to be. There are woman who would be perfectly happy with that because they'd see it as a safety net to help keep some guy from being up their ass 24/7 but, that type might not be readily available.

So, conversation, motorcycles, naughty, easy going, fun loving, low maintenance, been there, done that, rich, great ass...simple.

 

[Larry Gude]

But tell us Larry, how does she fit your own posted description of what you are looking for?
(Work, Band, Riding, Farm, Old Friends, Kids ...)

Good question. The question actually.


conversation: check. In spades. Hearts, diamonds and every other card in the deck.

motorcycles; check. Will ride on the back, has her own, rides her own. Two, actually, both HD's.

naughty; check. In spades, hearts, diamonds and every other card in two decks.. naughty, naughty girl.

easy going; check. I mean, kinda check. She likes things a certain way. OK, she can't stand my house, but, is very easy going. That makes no sense. She LOVES the house. She hates how I keep house, such as I do.

fun loving; check playful, loves to laugh. Enjoys the living #### out of the fact that I can't tell when she's being sarcastic. Has taken very well to my antics and just telling me I am stupid. Which I adore.

low maintenance; not check but, she is SELF maintained. And VERY comfortable being her. Not a black coffee person which I think is absurd. Coffee IS coffee. She's not the kind of gal that says "would you mind holding this?' She just hands it to me.

been there, done that; check. Maybe not all that and everywhere but a pretty fair bit

rich; not check. Self supporting and comfortable. Not rich.

great ass; not check OK ass.

simple; check. At least as far as together goes. Not someone you'd want to be on opposite sides of the table with

If we get to that point, family will be no issue. She can hold her own I am estimating anywhere with anyone including my hoard. They're all gonna ask her what the hell she sees in me. The band goes on. Riding, have to wait for warm weather to find that out. Seems like it should be fine. Talked about the kind of riding I do. Old friends, again, it seems holder her own will be no issue.

 

[Larry Gude]

I'm most definitely married to my about nearly absolute opposite. It was his YIN to my YANG that I found most attractive well before we even began dating. It's also his YIN to my YANG that keeps us off balance enough after 24 plus years to keep working at it and to keep realizing that I wouldn't be where I was today if I didn't have a polar opposite pulling me out of my comfort zone and vice versa.

Don't over think it, Larry. Just go with the flow and stop trying to over-analyze.

Absolutely.

 

[Larry Gude]

I think it's all about the expectations you have for each other. I, for one, prefer to date my opposite. I'm usually fairly shy, yet kind of bossy and a little type A. I've found I enjoy myself more being around a guy who's outgoing and easily goes with the flow; someone that breaks me outta my shell - bc I'm most definitely outgoing when I'm around the right people, and someone that allows me to plan the heck outta things with all my lists and research but makes me relax at the same time. I feel like most people enter a relationship with certain thoughts in their head about how they wish their partner was, for example, cleaner around the house, or not such a lousy drunk. But it'd be unfair to start that relationship with a goal to completely change them without bettering them. I've had a couple extra messy BF's...instead of controlling exactly how they'd clean, I'd just be happy they actually loaded the dishwasher instead of bitching about HOW they loaded it. Instead of insisting he quit drinking, we worked on him coming to the realization he didn't have to be plowed to have a good time. It's all how you approach those things that you wish your new SO would do differently.


The things I've left for bc I got sick of them was usually for lack of respect. And that could come in the form of infidelity or being controlled or no respect for my own time/schedule, etc. Not bc I got tired of picking up his socks.

That's two for 'go'

 

[Larry Gude]

Yes

Yes

Perhaps

She sounds like *my* perfect match actually. But a couple of things:

You need a smart, successful woman in your life - some dummy isn't going to cut it. How well you step up to the plate is up to you. How threatened you feel by a woman who is superior to you in some ways is something you can control and manage.

Second, Monello and I are very much opposites in a lot of ways. He is strong in areas where I am weak, and vice versa. What we do have is a basic respect and compatibility. I see and appreciate what he brings to the table, and we remind each other all the time how lucky we are to have found each other. It's sickening, really. And when we occasionally forget what the other one brings, we remind each other.

I'll tell you honestly that I was fairly confused by your last relationship and couldn't figure out WTF you were looking at. Then it was pointed out to me by someone who knows you that, in that relationship, YOU were the rock star. The smart one. The successful one. THE MAN. And that's great, but I know you well enough to know that you need a woman who is your equal and that being THE MAN starts getting tedious after awhile.

You, Larry, do not have to be everything in the relationship. She can be some things, too. So just keep that in your mind, take the pressure off yourself, appreciate what she brings and don't think you have to bring that as well - just bring your own skills and do what you're good at, instead of trying to do what she's good at as well.

Does that make sense?

See, I'm all over this post. Excellent points. I already told her I'm sick of being the boss, sick of being THE man who has to have all the answers. That I've reached the point where I am HAPPY to be subordinate and I asked her if she'd be OK or not think much of me if I was happy to have some woman be boss. Cheshire cat does not begin to describe how cool she is with that. She is a natural leader. I already know I WILL be happy with her driving, so to speak. My ego, my insecurities to be THE man, my defensiveness has been 'lived' out of me in ways you wouldn't even recognize. It is to my eternal discredit that I was not man enough to subordinate myself to you more at the right times and be secure in that. I did learn from it, though, FWIW.

Your post is spot on. I'm looking FORWARD to being, frankly, #2 and embracing it. She says 'good thing'. She's not my equal. She is my superior in a BUNCH of ways and it's freaking her out. She would not have given me two looks a few years ago but, life has put some hard, very hard miles on her, enough to see where this opposite thing could be the ticket.

 

[Larry Gude]

I think going into a new relationship you have to consider the fact that it could be incredible. Otherwise why bother. The disaster part only reveals itself later if at all. There is a Tennyson quote in there somewhere.

Yup. The possibilities are amazing.

The quote is; I am part of all I have met.

 

[Radiant1]

She's not my equal. She is my superior in a BUNCH of ways and it's freaking her out. She would not have given me two looks a few years ago but, life has put some hard, very hard miles on her, enough to see where this opposite thing could be the ticket.

I see a red flag here, Larry. Two thoughts: 1) Generally speaking, most people want someone equal to them; if she's superior to you, she may not respect you because of it. 2) If she wouldn't have given you two looks a few years ago perhaps she's a tad bit desperate and looking beneath her, which will ultimately lead to #1.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, those are just thoughts that came to me and in some ways I'm speaking from my own experience. With that having been said, I truly do wish you the best and I hope I'm wrong and it works out for you after all. In the mean time, it's kind of amusing to see you act like a giddy school girl.

 

[Larry Gude]

I see a red flag here, Larry. Two thoughts: 1) Generally speaking, most people want someone equal to them; if she's superior to you, she may not respect you because of it. 2) If she wouldn't have given you two looks a few years ago perhaps she's a tad bit desperate and looking beneath her, which will ultimately lead to #1.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, those are just thoughts that came to me and in some ways I'm speaking from my own experience. With that having been said, I truly do wish you the best and I hope I'm wrong and it works out for you after all. In the mean time, it's kind of amusing to see you act like a giddy school girl.

Good points. Intellectually, we're fine. I can hold my own, and have for years, with anyone. Engineers, doctors, hugely successful business owners, Vrai. That's the ONLY thing this chick would have liked about me and what caused the initial attraction, my intellect. The rest is simply very different lifestyles and behavior and that is where your concerns are most relevant and it's what's causing her concern "I shouldn't like you!" yet she does. We talk about it, alot. And, again, I even asked her, 'how are you going to do with with me not being the big man, you being the driver?" and, again, she says I'm the one that's going to have a problem with it. So, if she means that, then, it boils down to me. Vrai knows me best and knows there is no way I could do with that so, either I'm kidding myself and have not changed a bit or I have changed, a good bit and am sincerely going to be happy to be taking a back seat. For my own proof, I've handed over the greenhouse 100% to our GM. It's HER shop now. And I LOVE IT. When she's doing stuff different than I would, I smile and walk away. Even a year ago, I'd be freaking out, stopping everyone and saying "No. This is how I want it..." and my partner, same thing, old Larry, he and I would have already come to blows. Several times because he's as big headed know it all as I am. Now, I am able to listen, converse and object, or not, based on reason rather than emotions or insecurities or fears.

So, I could be fooling myself but, I don't think so.

Good points.

 

[Roman]

If she said she wouldn't have given you two looks a few years ago, that just might mean that she's matured, and goes beyond looks now. That can be a good thing ya know.

 

[Ken King]

If she said she wouldn't have given you two looks a few years ago, that just might mean that she's matured, and goes beyond looks now. That can be a good thing ya know.

Or maybe she's losing her sight. :shrug:

 

[SoMD_Fun_Guy]

If she said she wouldn't have given you two looks a few years ago, that just might mean that she's matured, and goes beyond looks now. That can be a good thing ya know.

Or maybe she's losing her sight. :shrug:

People change over time. They evolve. Our life experiences help determine our future decisions. She might not have been attracted to Larry years ago but today she is a different woman.

Likewise, relationships evolve as well. In the great ocean of life we are all drifting in the current. Relationships form when we begin drifting with another person. Successful, happy relationships require work to stay together in that current. Without working that relationship, couples will most likely drift apart.

Larry - It sounds like you found someone that fits well with you. Hope things continue to work out for you and her. May you continue to drift together.

 

[acommondisaster]

I'm with Radiant1. Only I'll take further. Probably doomed to fail. Unless you've done a bad job of describing, sounds like she's pretty set on some things you aren't necessarily wired to change. A lot of times, those are called Deal Breakers. The thing about opposites attracting and being good matches is that it only works when said opposites are able to compromise, overlook, adapt and accept. That probably isn't going to happen from what I read in your post. You've been in enough relationships (I think) to realize that the things you (the universal you, not you you) find cute and quirky and adorable about someone are generally the things that make you want to smother them with a pillow at a different point in the relationship. And both parties have to be HONEST about what they are willing to overlook and compromise about, to each other and more importantly, themselves.

I get that this may seem like an amazing time of discovery and you're each finding out about a "different" type of person than you usually are attracted to - and that can be thrilling and, well, attractive. The fact that she admitted that she wouldn't have given you a look years ago gives me pause. Unless SHE'S changed a whole lot since then, the things that kept her from being attracted to your core type are still there. Ask yourself just how much you really will change for someone without resenting having to change at some point down the road.

Personally, I think you are spending way too much time checking boxes and over thinking. You can talk yourself into or out of just about anything, if your mind is willing. And I think you've done that a time or two already in the past. I also think you're looking for the wrong woman. But, in the meantime, explore this budding relationship and prove me wrong.

 

[vraiblonde]

I'm looking FORWARD to being, frankly, #2 and embracing it.

You know, let's don't say "#1" and "#2". You have strengths as well, so it's not like you're some dope smoking loser chasing after the prom queen who's been accepted to MIT. She said she wouldn't have given you a second look back in the day, but we'll note that she's single (she is single, right?) so apparently what she was looking at before didn't work for her.

You'll be fine, champ. Now go in there and get a hit.

 

[2BRN2B]

This thread is fascinating.

Correct me if wrong. I inferred that Larry implied that HE doesn't think she would have given him a second look years ago vs. she having actually said that she wouldn't have.

Timing is a key factor in most relationships as transitions happen in personality, emotional maturity, honesty, etc through life. And, not always for the best or worst. Just is.

Furthermore, I would agree with vraiblonde. The reference to being #1 or #2 sounds as if it may be selling you both short. So is using the word SUPERIOR as it relates to people. My journey in life has shown this connotation reflects condescending. I didn't get that the latest mystery girl was like that from my quick read of her being described.

 

[Larry Gude]

This thread is fascinating.

Correct me if wrong. I inferred that Larry implied that HE doesn't think she would have given him a second look years ago vs. she having actually said that she wouldn't have.

Timing is a key factor in most relationships as transitions happen in personality, emotional maturity, honesty, etc through life. And, not always for the best or worst. Just is.

Furthermore, I would agree with vraiblonde. The reference to being #1 or #2 sounds as if it may be selling you both short. So is using the word SUPERIOR as it relates to people. My journey in life has shown this connotation reflects condescending. I didn't get that the latest mystery girl was like that from my quick read of her being described.

She said she would not have given me a second look. Her life was very structured and ordered, goal oriented, achieve, go, go, go and controlled and life interfered in a rather harsh way unhinging her from the moorings she had built. So, she's at a point in life, after several years of dealing with the problems that arose, far too personal for any detail here, the opposites we are now looks like it might be balance. And there is no way a few years ago I would have had any real interest in her either because I don't do that non stop GO, climb swim or die thing. However, I could use SOME of it; balance.

So, your comment about timing is a good one.

As for superior, I don't mean superior as in she feeds the poor and I rob them, that sort of thing. I use superior in terms of goal orientation, achievement, that sort of superior. If you want someone to be in charge of 200 people, it's her. If you want someone to go have a great time with and chill out, that's me.

 

[Bann]

You know, let's don't say "#1" and "#2". You have strengths as well, so it's not like you're some dope smoking loser chasing after the prom queen who's been accepted to MIT. She said she wouldn't have given you a second look back in the day, but we'll note that she's single (she is single, right?) so apparently what she was looking at before didn't work for her.

You'll be fine, champ. Now go in there and get a hit.

Vrai has such a way with words!

I concur.

 

[Larry Gude]

You know, let's don't say "#1" and "#2". You have strengths as well, so it's not like you're some dope smoking loser chasing after the prom queen who's been accepted to MIT. She said she wouldn't have given you a second look back in the day, but we'll note that she's single (she is single, right?) so apparently what she was looking at before didn't work for her.

You'll be fine, champ. Now go in there and get a hit.

Absolutely single, for several years. Lost her hubby 3 1/2 years ago. Young daughter. That's been her focus. Started trying to date I guess a year or so ago and has been on countless 'interviews' (her term for first date). A couple reached date 2 and a few even 3. Just was not finding anyone she was interested in. My perception is that they were all in 'her lane' so to speak because guys like me just were no even on her radar. A couple of e mails, that I can and did write, that's what caught her initial attention and then me not being Mr. Degree Achieve Clean Cut Career guy started to interest her, too.

A hit, really? Come on! You know me better than that. The only way I'm getting a single is because I don't have home run power anymore and it will drop in for a single when I swing so hard I nearly fall over, my teeth pop out and I crap myself...

 

[Larry Gude]

And both parties have to be HONEST about what they are willing to overlook and compromise about, to each other and more importantly, themselves.

I .

Ah, but that's the thing! We spend as much time trying to warn one another off as promoting ourselves. And we're really not even promoting. The beginning of Date 1 was a little uncomfortable, a tad awkward, we left and went to place #2 and we were starting to relax and I said something smart ass and she said "Well, you're probably not a good #### anyway so, it won't matter' being a smart ass back and that was IT. ALL the ice was gone. I'd been trying to be too nice to that point, trying to be somewhat of a gentleman and, well, that's not me BUT, I wanted to let her be the one to take that first little step. Her patience had reached it's end; he's a dork, too uptight but, then, BAM.

We're both very honest with the things WE think the other won't like so, it is all on the table. You know what you're getting into and that is a different bird than finding out this and that 6 months later. We use the term 'deal breaker' all the time. She's like 'all these things about you SHOULD have been deal breakers, but they're not..." and for me, it all boils down to my control issues and my ego and insecurities and the simple fact of no longer having to be THE man, which is not a concept, it is reality in my life at work, man, I'm looking, I'm trying to find that thing.

I told her my BIG one is that I believe a relationship, any one, friends, business, personal, comes down to the ability and interest in reaching mutually satisfying resolution of conflicts and disagreements. That was one of my greatest weakness's before. I hurt Vrai in ways I should have been shot for because of my ego and need to be right, to 'beat' her, 'win' some petty, stupid point rather than chill my ass out when she needed me to, when I needed me to. If a man can do that, pretty much any relationship with a woman can work. Throw in a #### ton of attraction, likes and interest and...there it is.

B and I are not 100% opposites. We both ride. We both love conversation, love drilling down into subjects, including each other. Both are smart asses. We're compatible in public. I can readily see her with me around friends and family. It's way early and maybe the bloom goes off the rose soon enough but, it won't be because I just stumbled into this. It's going to be pretty well thought and fleshed out.

So, you make a good point, maybe THE point.