Off to a great start...
- Thread starter Larry Gude
- Start date
Radiant1
Soul Probe
Larry Gude
Strung Out
So, the column on the right, it could be ANYONE on the right? I mean, that's where I was in '96 with the kids mom; nothing exciting, no tingles, no electricity, just steady. Everything was fine. I was completely happy with that, clean cut, had gotten her the new house in the neighborhood, coaching soccer, knew all the neighbors, built the deck, kids in and out all the time. I was very much fine with that. It was a life and nothing to be put off over. I was doing all the expected, routine, normal things.
Then, someone decided this was not fine and that someone was not me. So, 'steady, normal, routine, the expected thing' was not the answer. :shrug:
They are all calling you a smart guy, but your comma is incorrectly placed. I've noticed it more than once, that tiny little thing...
Larry Gude
Strung Out
I'm open to suggestions and corrections...
My comment was your lesson
PS - I have to admit, I am a bit bummed to see that you ended it. I was all into if for a few minutes this afternoon. Silly, eh?
Larry Gude
Strung Out
My comment was your lesson
PS - I have to admit, I am a bit bummed to see that you ended it. I was all into if for a few minutes this afternoon. Silly, eh?
Well, it just wasn't...easy enough. And that's not her, it's me. As I say, now I know another good person and the only way I see to do this is to participate. It helped me achieve more clarity about what I'm really going to be good with. I wanted to be open about young kids but, I am simply too old for it. Her kid is fantastic but, for a significant other, she needs someone who can be a bit more mature than me and be helpful and not an incessant, instigating, partner in crime other child to deal with. I was simply awful.
Had so much fun goofing and playing with her but, it PO'd mom a couple times and that really stepped me back a bit. I don't WANNA be an adult when it comes to kids. Done with that. So, no younger kids. Unless you're good with me being a playmate.
Check. And that is the sort of definition, the pre-thought out this and this and this and not this and not that that I'm not real good at.
Not AT ALL what I read.
Gonna to have to brush up on mah comprehension skills, I guess.
Meanwhile, since you missed the lesson - the comma goes before the but. As in: "Had so much fun playing with her, but..."
Larry Gude
Strung Out
It was easy, but then the next phases became less so as the interactions of what day to day might look like began to reveal themselves. Things you can only guess at from the early stages and the guess was off.
kwillia
n/a
Starting a relationship with someone who already has 1 or more minor kids is a huge complication. I recently had this discussion with my 20 year old daughter. She has already come to the conclusion on her own. A guy she would consider dating material is no longer dating material and immediately gets put in the friend zone if she finds out he has a kid. I'm glad she's figured this out already.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Most 20 year olds are smarter than me. Good for her!
Relationships are difficult the more we advance in age. Toss in kids, aging parents, jobs, etc. and thing get further complicated. Good on you to realize what is in your control. At this point just make the best of it. Things will work out if they were meant, at least that is the philosophy I go with now. Try your best. If that doesn't work out then it wasn't meant. Best of luck.
mamatutu
mama to two
That is the philosophy of life. And, if you don't succeed, try again. That was what I was taught.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
What we have here are competing interests of:
Relationships being more difficult as we age
Trying our best
And me not giving enough of a #### to try all that hard
If we take all the things we, as an individual, give a #### about in a relationship, mind this, don't mind that, gotta have this, no way that plus all the tweeners it all will work well enough or it wont. Not only am I done 'working' at relationships, I simply can't do it anymore so it has to just fit. For example her kid was not a problem at all. It was her kid AND her parenting style AND where I am now as opposed to maybe 20 years ago. She is a good parent but was not kewl with me being juvenile with her kid. There are good parents that would have been fine, even happy about that. Take those variables characteristic by relationship characteristic and you got you a sort of matrix. I compromised a lot my whole life trying to help things work. My give a #### is highly tuned at this point and not to be ignored.
Well...this kind of makes sense anyway. At our ages, we're pretty much done "raising" children, so you're at the stage of life where you relate to them as an (older) uncle or grandfatherly type.
Grandpas should be for FUN! and for horsing around, and for buying treats, and for going on fun excursions and all that kind of stuff. So, I guess she would have to get her mind around that and it would be difficult when she is still in the child raising mode.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
See, that's the thing. She doesn't need to do a thing to accommodate me. She is fine and doesn't need to change a thing. We just aren't 'it' for one another and that is OK. All the plus's of early on, I mean, sure, early on is easy, agreed but, you can't get to finding out what next month or 6 months or next year bring until you get there. It was promising and, that and other reasons, anh, not our cup of tea. I could be smug and say 'she wasn't for me' but, by definition, I wasn't for her either and that alone is one clarity I have now that I didn't have 30, 25, 20, 15, 10 years ago. I mean, Vrai REALLY brought it home to me in another thread' (maybe this one???) that even when things were great for her and I, it was never easy. That said a LOT to me because there were times when she and I both thought that if she and I couldn't make it work with all the GREAT things we did share, what chance does anyone have? And the simply truth of the matter that she figured out and, my extension, made me understand, is that, whatever was fantastic about our relationship, yeah, maybe not everyone has that high but, by the same token, maybe good relationships don't have the lows she and I had and THAT becomes the larger point; maybe THIS part isn't a 10 for some folks, but, maybe THAT part isn't a 0 or 1 and that means the lack of '10' in whatever ares isn't all that big a deal. I know for a fact that I ignored a HUGE red flag about her early on and that she ignored at least one, (or was it 10??) about me. You make that compromise then for whatever reasons you make it. The good stuff, the kids, the place and time, the possibilities and that's all fine but, those things were there at the beginning and that, in my view, just IS about anyone and it either is OK over time or...it ain't as circumstances evolve.
So, where that all has me now is a very low threshold for anything that isn't...easy. If something bugs me about "her" fairly soon on, it will damn sure bug me later and that is, for sure, a two way street. The possibility existed, for good reasons, that this last flame may well have been the one who I could have evolved with over time and all would have been well but, for several reasons, those chances got fairly low in view fairly quick and, again, I ain't got, or won't commit the time. Maybe that alone is all that need be said???
In any event, I am a LOT more aware that it could be ME that could be the source of problems later than I used to be and, in some way, I think I saved HER the trouble. Now, should I have left it to her to make that decision?
Nope.
Smart Man.
I was only commenting on the one point about the child and how you thought (maybe) you were a "bad influence" on her. (My words) I think you were too hard on yourself about it, that's all.
Anyhoo, as an older person in a great relationship, who wasn't "actively looking" to be in one - I will say I had a very myopic view on dating. I may not have known what I wanted, but I knew what I DID NOT want in a relationship. I was extremely selective (picky) and I was very comfortable (self-centered) about it. I really didn't care if anyone agreed with me on it, either. I would rather have been alone than be stuck with something (a relationship) I didn't like.
I didn't really consider myself a real catch at the time, either. Divorced, full-time working mom with zero family support in the area, two sons at home (1 a mid-teenager, 1 an adult with a neurological disability), my elderly and in declining health mother had just come to live with us, as there was no one else to care for her.
I was not looking to put anything else on my plate, but then...
...so you never know. Just be true to yourself and be happy about it. Nothing wrong with knowing what you will or will no do, want or don't want. That's just a plus in my book.
What's cool about dating is that there doesn't have to really be a reason to end things and move on. It can just be because you weren't feeling it, with nothing being necessarily "wrong" with the other person.
So what the heck, back to the old drawing board.
So what the heck, back to the old drawing board.
