Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
Absolutely. I just don't think that anyone should settle for someone they know will not make them completely happy. What a miserable life that would be.
Should I ‘settle’ now or hold out for Mr. Right?
- Thread starter nhboy
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Larry Gude
Strung Out
Or maybe...
...not. I am very difficult to live with and it was killing my marriage with Vrail. I think I just need a fair bit, a large bit, of just me, of doing things my way.
Now, we don't fight anymore. Now, I don't hurt her anymore. Now, I miss her all the time except when I don't. When I see her name on the caller ID my heart leaps like it used to when we dated. When I hear her voice it gives me the warm and fuzzy's. When I see a new post by her, I gotta click it right away. It ain't my idea of perfect but it is far preferable to what I was doing to her before.
Point is, we're settling on something less than we both had in mind. We've been living apart long enough for either or both of us to move on and it ain't happened yet. Because of that I am a total believer in true love. It's something you can't help and it isn't based on physical proximity.
So, 'settling' would presume someone has all the answers in the first place. Maybe we 'fit' this way? We'll see where we are in 6 months or a year or two or 20.
Everyone has their ideal image of a mate. I just don't think any relationship would be healthy if one person is settling, simply because they have something in common with the other. I think the relationship could be doomed for outside affairs. You need to find the person that fits you.
My husband isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me.
...not. I am very difficult to live with and it was killing my marriage with Vrail. I think I just need a fair bit, a large bit, of just me, of doing things my way.
Now, we don't fight anymore. Now, I don't hurt her anymore. Now, I miss her all the time except when I don't. When I see her name on the caller ID my heart leaps like it used to when we dated. When I hear her voice it gives me the warm and fuzzy's. When I see a new post by her, I gotta click it right away. It ain't my idea of perfect but it is far preferable to what I was doing to her before.
Point is, we're settling on something less than we both had in mind. We've been living apart long enough for either or both of us to move on and it ain't happened yet. Because of that I am a total believer in true love. It's something you can't help and it isn't based on physical proximity.
So, 'settling' would presume someone has all the answers in the first place. Maybe we 'fit' this way? We'll see where we are in 6 months or a year or two or 20.
W
wkndbeacher
Guest
Romance is what you create to please your partner. Listen for clues and if you take the time to do something you heard mentioned, that's romance. Doesn't have to be fancy, or candles or moonlight. Just something they would like.... It's the flint that makes the spark, showing you care. It happens in real life if you make it happen
Spoken like a true romance novelist...Great hints. Been doing that long?
sockgirl77
Well-Known Member
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. No truer words have been spoken. My fiance is offshore for work. He's gone more than he's home. We do not argue, fuss, or fight. We've learned that it is not worth it anymore. We treasure the time we have together.
Okay, but Chasey, nobody is going to make you completely happy. At some point, they'll annoy you or outright piss you off. There's no real perfection when it comes to our fellow human beings. Even if you had a robot that was programmed daily to give you what you want, soon enough you'd start to hate that robot because you know it's not real.
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
There's a difference between your spouse not putting down the toilet seat or leaving dishes in the sink. We all have those flaws. I'm talking about settling for someone that you really are not "in love" with. Someone you settled down with simply because you were tired of being alone.
SoMDGirl42
Well-Known Member
SamSpade
Well-Known Member
The thing is - people CHANGE. The person who was SO RIGHT and perfect for you - in *high school* - isn't anywhere near the right person for you now.
That goes also for the person you choose now versus the person they'll be ten, twenty, fifty years from now. They'll be different. So will you. And you can't change that. Both of you will act different, look different, have new and different interests.
But if you're committed enough to love each other, it can work in spite of those things. My family - my parents and siblings - clearly aren't the same people they were twenty years ago. Some of that is better and quite a bit of it is worse. And I guess I love them because they're family, because I have to admit, I don't think I'd pick them out of a crowd on purpose if I met them today. I'm used to them, but I also have thirty to forty some years of being with them, and I don't have that with anyone else. With all his faults - and he has many - my dad is my hero and role model.
Think about this - if you based how you choose your friends on anything like how you choose who you date or have a relationship with - what sort of person would you be with now? I mean, do you have good friends, and do you pick them based on their looks, job, body, money etc.?
It took me a LONG time to learn this. If I have any regrets in life, it's that it took me so long to figure this simple lesson out. I passed up a lot of really good relationships in life, because they weren't "perfect". I remember a conversation once, where a friend kept suggesting women for me to date, and after picking them all apart, I snapped "it doesn't matter who you pick, there's gonna be something wrong with them". He responded "then the PROBLEM really isn't *them*, is it?".
Vrai's advice was spot on. If you find someone and think you could make a life with them, do it. Don't "wait" for the perfect deal to float along, because you make or break the deal yourself.
That goes also for the person you choose now versus the person they'll be ten, twenty, fifty years from now. They'll be different. So will you. And you can't change that. Both of you will act different, look different, have new and different interests.
But if you're committed enough to love each other, it can work in spite of those things. My family - my parents and siblings - clearly aren't the same people they were twenty years ago. Some of that is better and quite a bit of it is worse. And I guess I love them because they're family, because I have to admit, I don't think I'd pick them out of a crowd on purpose if I met them today. I'm used to them, but I also have thirty to forty some years of being with them, and I don't have that with anyone else. With all his faults - and he has many - my dad is my hero and role model.
Think about this - if you based how you choose your friends on anything like how you choose who you date or have a relationship with - what sort of person would you be with now? I mean, do you have good friends, and do you pick them based on their looks, job, body, money etc.?
It took me a LONG time to learn this. If I have any regrets in life, it's that it took me so long to figure this simple lesson out. I passed up a lot of really good relationships in life, because they weren't "perfect". I remember a conversation once, where a friend kept suggesting women for me to date, and after picking them all apart, I snapped "it doesn't matter who you pick, there's gonna be something wrong with them". He responded "then the PROBLEM really isn't *them*, is it?".
Vrai's advice was spot on. If you find someone and think you could make a life with them, do it. Don't "wait" for the perfect deal to float along, because you make or break the deal yourself.
I'm going to use that next time I'm having a pointless conversation with a picky singleton.
Pete
Repete
Right, but some people are way more picky than they need to be. Or, frankly, than they have a right to be. If you're half an idiot, it's doubtful that Stephen Hawking will be banging on your door anytime soon. If you're ugly and 50 lbs overweight, Brad Pitt isn't going to dump Angelina for you.
See what I'm saying?
Some people have this laundry list a mile long: must be drop dead gorgeous, must have a stellar career, must have a perfect body, must be funny, must be extremely intelligent, never been married, never had kids. And, oh yeah, must be no older than 25 but still willing to settle for my 45 year old ass.
Pete
Repete
<---not in a ghey way
Dye Tied
Garden Variety Gnome
As we mature (age) we realize, more than the 20 somethings, that compromise is a big part of life and you might have to bend your strict rules for a really good thing. No one is perfect and it's not not looking for a perfect person but seeing something in someone who is "perfectly imperfect" for you.
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Larry Gude
Strung Out
That is a pretty...
...high standard there. There's a lot of things in my life that I'd like to be happier with that she can do absolutely nothing to make better or worse.
...high standard there. There's a lot of things in my life that I'd like to be happier with that she can do absolutely nothing to make better or worse.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Guess you...
...missed the one about the branding iron, chaps and molasses?
Awwww, I do believe that is the sweetest thing I've ever see you write.
...missed the one about the branding iron, chaps and molasses?
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
Well, I'm certainly not going to be with someone who makes me unhappy.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
I'm not...
...trying to pick nits here but, I think there are plenty of happy marriages, or even OK ones, where the folks aren't really in love with one another; they just get alone real well. I mean, not everyone is interested in 'love' the same way.
Feed my dad and he's in 'love' with you!
...trying to pick nits here but, I think there are plenty of happy marriages, or even OK ones, where the folks aren't really in love with one another; they just get alone real well. I mean, not everyone is interested in 'love' the same way.
Feed my dad and he's in 'love' with you!
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
That's completely fine - each person wants/needs different things.
I chose to marry someone I loved, not someone I just learned to deal with, hoping that things would eventually fall into place.
I disagree. You can train yourself to be attracted to good people instead of #### artists. Like some woman who keeps going from one abusive man to another - she can learn to like guys who don't beat the crap out of her.