Something bugging me!!

[Kimmy]

I back my husband up 100% when our son is backtalking him. I tell D to be quiet and do what he has been told. Then I have a talk with him about what happened still backing my husband 100%. I am out of ideas on how my husband can address the situation when it happens. I don't like the way that he is handling it because I don't believe in screaming and yelling at child either. I am tried of being the one who has to talk to him. I want my husband to do it but I am afraid that it will just turn into another arguement. I think that all that D wants is the attention that his father gives to the 19 month old.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I back my husband up 100% when our son is backtalking him. I tell D to be quiet and do what he has been told. Then I have a talk with him about what happened still backing my husband 100%. I am out of ideas on how my husband can address the situation when it happens. I don't like the way that he is handling it because I don't believe in screaming and yelling at child either. I am tried of being the one who has to talk to him. I want my husband to do it but I am afraid that it will just turn into another arguement. I think that all that D wants is the attention that his father gives to the 19 month old.

I repeat... you've established that "talking" to your son about respecting his stepdad is not working... you need to try something else... some concrete consequence would be my suggestion.

Take care,
Melody

 

[JabbaJawz]

Originally posted by sleuth14
When I was young, I was expected to respect ALL my elders, until they proved that they were otherwise unworthy of it.

Whether or not the man is a step dad or a biological dad, the son doesn't own the house. And thus, he should be expected to respect the house rules, and the person who makes those rules.

That being said, the bottom line to what is wrong with this situation is that the parents involved haven't worked out the rules, both in what is expected of the child and how he should be disciplined.

And never, ever should a parent undermine the authority of the other parent in front of the child. If one parent says something, it's gospel, and the second parent should back it up 100% at that time. Later, if one parent feels uncomfortable about the situation, it should be addressed between the two of them, and if the rules need to be changed, have a conference with all three parties and divulge that information and/or any needed apologies and why the rules have been changed.

I don't have any children, but I think any good parent/husband/wife will agree that parents have to back each other up, 100%, period, when it comes to laying down the law. If they don't, the child sees this as a sign of weakness and opportunity.

Go Sleuth!!!! That's just what I wrote...before reading what you had written!

 

[sleuth]

Originally posted by Kimmy
All that I asked for were some opinions about how to help my husband control the 7 year old and you want to tell me that I am the one with the problem?? I think the way I bring my kids up in perfectly good. We have structure at home. We have a schedule that we go by everyday. My kid is not perfect and all the I want is for the husband to treat him like a kid. If the husband is going to the samething the boy does what kind-of example is that setting. Daddy can do it why do I have to do it?

I'm not a parent, so I'm not going to sit and judge you from my high and mighty seat.

But once again... you say...
"Daddy can do it, why do I have to do it?"

And again I say... sounds like you should be working out an arrangement with your husband as to the rules your child should live by and how he should be disciplined.

And I think one of the agreements should be... "don't make any rules that you yourself can't live by"

I have a feeling that both of you want to be good parents, but that you simply have different ideas as to how it should be done.

Don't come here and tell us about it. Have a private one on one... or counseling as some others suggested, and hammer out (in writing if you have to) how you want parental duties to be handled, in rule-making, rule-enforcing, discipline, and non-discipline-related items.

I come from a broken home. I lived through both parents at one time or another trying to commit suicide in my early teen years. But it was those early years, before I turned 13 while everything was happy and before everything went to hell, that I learned values of respect, self-reliance, and independance that got me through very dark times in my teenage years...

Now is the time to have a united strong homefront. One that acts as a unit. Don't put it off now or you'll find your child mixed up in God-knows-what when he's a teenager.

Good luck to you.

 

[JabbaJawz]

Originally posted by Kimmy
How am I making him choose sides? Just because I told him that if he did want to respect his father that he could go live with his other father and see how he likes that?

Because it's never, ever good to belittle a child's parent, even if they are a total POS. You've got to allow the child to make his/her own judgement and not talk trash in the process. Even if the person is the biggest d*ck on the planet, let the child come to that realization and make their own judgement.

 

[JabbaJawz]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I guess everyone here is a perfect parent and has never done anything wrong?

No one here is the perfect parent, and no one is saying you're a bad mother. We all have things we could work on improving, I'm sure.

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by blueeyes76
It was your decision to post this problem of yours in a public forum. You asked for opinions and you got them. Maybe you should be a little more prepared next time.

For the record, I never said you were a bad mother or you were the one with the problem. I really think counseling is a GOOD idea for you and your husband.

I hope things work out for you and your family!

Yes it was may decision to post this problem and yes I asked for opinions and yes I appreciate them all just like I said in a earlier post.
All that I said is that I don't like the way that my husband is handling the disciplining area with the boy. Screaming and yelling is not going to solve anything. And me having to do the dirty work afterwards is not solving anything. Yes he is going to respect me because I am the one doing the talking and not the screaming and yelling.
I probably gave out to much info to everyone and should of left plain and simple.

 

[sleuth]

Originally posted by laureng
Go Sleuth!!!! That's just what I wrote...before reading what you had written!

great minds think alike

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
All that I said is that I don't like the way that my husband is handling the disciplining area with the boy. Screaming and yelling is not going to solve anything. And me having to do the dirty work afterwards is not solving anything. Yes he is going to respect me because I am the one doing the talking and not the screaming and yelling.

True, screaming and yelling is not going to solve the problem. But neither is you coming in afterwards.

Your son doesn't respect you because you don't yell and scream. He started out respecting you because your his biological parent, an advantage that your husband doesn't have.

And I don't think your son disrespects his stepdad because of the yelling and screaming. Frankly I think he disrespects his stepdad because you come in afterwards and simply tell him that he should respect his stepdad. What about some real consequences? What about "If you talk back to stepdad then it's no TV for the rest of the day"?

Take care,
Melody

 

[Kimmy]

[ some concrete consequence would be my suggestion.



Been there done that.. Everything will be fine for a week or so and then it is back to the same thing.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
[ some concrete consequence would be my suggestion.



Been there done that.. Everything will be fine for a week or so and then it is back to the same thing.

What were the concrete consequences for your son?

-Melody

 

[yakky doodle]

well, geez oh flip already! it sounds like a lost cause and you all will just have to suck it up and be miserable forever. i guess if you've tried everything, and it doesn't work then the 8 preceeding pages of advice was a waste of our time.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
[ some concrete consequence would be my suggestion.



Been there done that.. Everything will be fine for a week or so and then it is back to the same thing.

Also... it'll take more than a week to change these habits. And when you are requiring respect from your son then you have a firmer foundation to require that your husband think before he acts when it comes to disciplining your son.

Take care,
Melody

 

[Kimmy]

I DO STEP IN BEFORE THE ARGUEMENT IS OVER. I TELL D TO DO WHAT HIS FATHER HAS JUST TOLD HIM TO DO. I DON'T WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE ARGUEMENT IS OVER AND THEN TALK TO HIM. I WAIT A LITTLE BIT TO SEE IF MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO GO IN THERE AND TALK TO HIM AND HE DOESN'T SO I DO AND TELL HIM LIKE IT IS PUT HIM ON RESTRICTION AND TELL HIM WHY HE SHOULD NOT DO IT AGAIN.

I WANT MY HUSBAND MORE INVOLVED WITH THE DISCIPLINE AREA BUT WITHOUT THE SCREAMING AND YELLING. TALK TO HIM MORE GET TO KNOW HIM...

 

[Kimmy]

Originally posted by Old Dog
What were the concrete consequences for your son?

-Melody

1. NO TV, PLAYSTATION, OR COMPUTER
2. IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN DURING YOUR RESTRICTION TIME THEN ANOTHER WEEK WILL BE ADDED.

 

[Kimmy]

I AM GOING TO HAVE A FAMILY MEETING TONIGHT AFTER THE BABY GOES TO SLEEP AND HAVE A NICE LITTLE TALK WITH EVERYONE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS.

I WANT HIM TO RESPECT HIS FATHER. I WANT THEM TO BE BUDS.

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
1. NO TV, PLAYSTATION, OR COMPUTER
2. IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN DURING YOUR RESTRICTION TIME THEN ANOTHER WEEK WILL BE ADDED.

At one point it sounded like you were saying these are also the kinds of things that your husband imposes. How is it different when your husband imposes these consequences?

Also, what about imposing something more immediate such as going to his room... or writing lines (that's where the kid writes 50 or some number of times things like "I will try not to leave my coat on the floor"... it's boring and tedious and for some reason kids really, really don't like to write lines).

This all sounds even more like you and DH need to sit down and come up with a uniform rule/consequence list.

1. Son leaves coat on floor... son goes to room and writes lines... 50 for 1st offense, 100 for 2nd offense in 7 days, etc.

Stuff like that.

Once you have a list worked out then your husband has a script to work from and it might keep him from getting cranky (and if it doesn't then tell husband to stuff it).

Keep in mind that the list may need revision, especially in the beginning. You'll need to be able to address things like... no matter how many lines the kid is given to write, he just can't keep his coat off the floor. At that point, maybe you need to brainstorm about ways to help son to keep his coat put away (lower coatrack?) or escalate the consequence.

And yep, this requires your DH's cooperation.

Take care,
Melody

 

[sleuth]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I WANT HIM TO RESPECT HIS FATHER. I WANT THEM TO BE BUDS.

My father and I are no longer friends since what happened in my teen years...

But... when you say you want them to be buds...
Please... remember... that he should be a father before he is a buddy...

Sometimes... the two roles intertwine... but sometimes... your husband has got to be strong enough to take on the role of being a dad.

Don't try to make them be "buds"... Try to make them "father and son".

 

[Old Dog]

Originally posted by Kimmy
I AM GOING TO HAVE A FAMILY MEETING TONIGHT AFTER THE BABY GOES TO SLEEP AND HAVE A NICE LITTLE TALK WITH EVERYONE TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS.

I WANT HIM TO RESPECT HIS FATHER. I WANT THEM TO BE BUDS.

Before you have a family meeting with the 3 of you, I really think you should have a family meeting with just you and husband. Then later you two together present things to your son in a different meeting.

Take care,
Melody

 

[sleuth]

Also...

Has your husband and son spent anytime doing activities together... one on one just the two of them?

Some examples might be... fishing... camping... playing PS together... going out to dinner... etc. Or just something your son is interested in.

You can't expect them to bond if they don't spend any time together. And being home alone with your husband doesn't count if they're in separate rooms.