J
justhangn
Guest
OK.........Kimmy, you have turned my stomach for the last time in this thread.
I wish you son MUCH luck in his future theropy!
I wish you son MUCH luck in his future theropy!
yakky doodle
New Member
Hmm. Oprah, Jenny, Jerry ....
No, Dr. Phil ... of course, that's where I've heard this whole thing before.
Just out of curiosity, Kimmy, how old are you? Serious.
No, Dr. Phil ... of course, that's where I've heard this whole thing before.
Just out of curiosity, Kimmy, how old are you? Serious.
But, Kimmy, don't you understand that you're making your son choose sides? And you're letting him make YOU choose sides?
sleuth
Livin' Like Thanksgivin'
When I was young, I was expected to respect ALL my elders, until they proved that they were otherwise unworthy of it.
Whether or not the man is a step dad or a biological dad, the son doesn't own the house. And thus, he should be expected to respect the house rules, and the person who makes those rules.
That being said, the bottom line to what is wrong with this situation is that the parents involved haven't worked out the rules, both in what is expected of the child and how he should be disciplined.
And never, ever should a parent undermine the authority of the other parent in front of the child. If one parent says something, it's gospel, and the second parent should back it up 100% at that time. Later, if one parent feels uncomfortable about the situation, it should be addressed between the two of them, and if the rules need to be changed, have a conference with all three parties and divulge that information and/or any needed apologies and why the rules have been changed.
I don't have any children, but I think any good parent/husband/wife will agree that parents have to back each other up, 100%, period, when it comes to laying down the law. If they don't, the child sees this as a sign of weakness and opportunity.
K
Kimmy
Guest
How am I making him choose sides? Just because I told him that if he did want to respect his father that he could go live with his other father and see how he likes that?
blueeyes76
New Member
Ok, how is that NOT making him choose?
K
Kain99
Guest
Kimmy.... Just log out and make an appointment already.
Old Dog
Member
He's 7... he shouldn't be made to feel responsible for such a situation. It is not within his control to choose where he will live... that responsibility lies with his parent. You implied that he had that authority/responsibility. In addition you implied that if he's a bad kid (not respecting his stepdad) that he should leave (thus indicating that you won't love him any more cause I figure at age 7 if your mom sends you away you're gonna think she doesn't love you). Plus you drew a very distinct line... on one side is you and his stepdad and on the other is his biodad... and if your son feels any love for his biodad at all (which I'm pretty close to willing to bet he does) then that right there splits his loyalties.
Take care,
Melody
Last thing I'll post on this topic:
Kimmy, it's obvious that you have unresolved insecurities. If I had to make a wild guess, I'd say that your own father wasn't particularly involved in your growing up years. You're acting that out by shoving your husband away and not letting him be the male parent in your household and a full partner. You probably never saw how this works growing up so you have no idea how do it as an adult.
One word: counseling. It will help you come to terms with whatever it is that makes you resent men in general and fathers in particular. It made all the difference in the world with Larry and me - best $$$ I ever spent. Serious.
You are already important to your son. There's room for your husband to be important to him too without taking anything away from you. This is not a zero-sum game.
Kimmy, it's obvious that you have unresolved insecurities. If I had to make a wild guess, I'd say that your own father wasn't particularly involved in your growing up years. You're acting that out by shoving your husband away and not letting him be the male parent in your household and a full partner. You probably never saw how this works growing up so you have no idea how do it as an adult.
One word: counseling. It will help you come to terms with whatever it is that makes you resent men in general and fathers in particular. It made all the difference in the world with Larry and me - best $$$ I ever spent. Serious.
You are already important to your son. There's room for your husband to be important to him too without taking anything away from you. This is not a zero-sum game.
yakky doodle
New Member
for Sleuth. Good advice for a no-kid-having bachelor.The situation is making me dizzy. Kimmy -- Point Blank, here it is: Stop making excuses for everyone and everything. You said you don't want your kids becoming Momma's Boys when they grow up, but your actions will produce just that.
Either decide if you want to co-parent or steer the ship yourself. If it's the latter, ask the passenger (your hubby) to disembark and move on.
All you are doing is confusing your kids with this back and forth. How is your son supposed to respect the guy when you don't seem to respect him yourself (at least, that's how it sounds to me).
JabbaJawz
Be about it
In my opinion, how can you marry someone and not expect them to assist in raising the existing children? That will also pose an even larger problem when joint children come into the picture and have to listen to both parents in the household, while the others just have to listen to mom. Seems unreasonable to me - you either work as a family unit, or you aren't a family.
I adopted my ex-wife's son when he was nearly two years old.
Right at the beginning, a good friend gave me some invaluable advice: "Be a good friend, a good host, and lose all sense of self."
I never forgot that, and in spite of his parents' problems, turned into a really good kid. To this day he's my pride and joy, and probably the only real thing of substance I've ever accomplished!
Right at the beginning, a good friend gave me some invaluable advice: "Be a good friend, a good host, and lose all sense of self."
I never forgot that, and in spite of his parents' problems, turned into a really good kid. To this day he's my pride and joy, and probably the only real thing of substance I've ever accomplished!
K
Kimmy
Guest
Just to let you know that my father was there for me for everything and still is when I need him. He was the father figure to my son for 5 years too. My father is the greatest father in the world and a very well respected man to.
I have not done anything to my son to make him confused.
I love my son and would never do anything to hurt him. Just because I told him that if he did not like our living arrangement he could go live with his father who doesn't care. That makes me a bad mother? But it is okay for his step father to critize everything that he does wrong and to harp and harp about it. I think not. I guess everyone here is a perfect parent and has never done anything wrong? All that I asked for were some opinions about how to help my husband control the 7 year old and you want to tell me that I am the one with the problem?? I think the way I bring my kids up in perfectly good. We have structure at home. We have a schedule that we go by everyday. My kid is not perfect and all the I want is for the husband to treat him like a kid. If the husband is going to the samething the boy does what kind-of example is that setting. Daddy can do it why do I have to do it?
I have not done anything to my son to make him confused.
I love my son and would never do anything to hurt him. Just because I told him that if he did not like our living arrangement he could go live with his father who doesn't care. That makes me a bad mother? But it is okay for his step father to critize everything that he does wrong and to harp and harp about it. I think not. I guess everyone here is a perfect parent and has never done anything wrong? All that I asked for were some opinions about how to help my husband control the 7 year old and you want to tell me that I am the one with the problem?? I think the way I bring my kids up in perfectly good. We have structure at home. We have a schedule that we go by everyday. My kid is not perfect and all the I want is for the husband to treat him like a kid. If the husband is going to the samething the boy does what kind-of example is that setting. Daddy can do it why do I have to do it?
JabbaJawz
Be about it
You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about how disciplining is going to be approached in the household. The child has to know that no matter which parents is enforcing the rule or imposing a punishment that it stands no matter what. And that means that you have to let each othe handle situations independently and trust each other's judgement. If you doubt your husband's ability to discipline and step in when your son is watching, your son is not going to respect your husband - and it sounds like that has already begun since he backtalks your hubby and not you. If you have a problem with a disciplinary action that your husband has taken on your son, talk to him about it later when the kids are NOT around and listening. That way you can discuss what you think was wrong, and agree on how to differently handle the situation next time. While you say your husband is too hard on your son, to me it sounds like he just isn't getting his point across in the correct manner. If your son and husband are fighting like brothers, there is obviously a problem that needs solving - and both your son and your husband need to recognize their roles. Your son has to know that when your husband tells him to do something that he needs to do it - end of story.
Old Dog
Member
In my case, DH said, and I believed him, that I was to be an equal parent... unfortunately he didn't really understand what that might mean and has since then fought pretty hard to get it to mean what he wants it to.
And you're right, you're either a family unit or you aren't. And if the two adults want the household to be a family unit, then the bioparent has got to negotiate some changes in childrearing with the stepparent.... or give up the notion of the "family unit".
Take care,
Melody
JabbaJawz
Be about it
I see your point, but maybe you're just handling it wrong. If you think your husband is being too harsh in certain situations, you have to have a talk with him AWAY from the children. If you step in each time that your husband disciplines your son, your son, as I said before, won't take your husband seriously and will see him as the bad guy all the time.
Old Dog
Member
A large part of your husband being able to control your 7yo son is in how you teach your son to interact with your husband. And so far as I can see, you're not responding to any of the advice you've gotten in that regard.
The only person you can truly control in this is yourself. What can you do differently? I think a lot of the advice you've been given has been directed to that point.
Take care,
Melody
blueeyes76
New Member
It was your decision to post this problem of yours in a public forum. You asked for opinions and you got them. Maybe you should be a little more prepared next time.
For the record, I never said you were a bad mother or you were the one with the problem. I really think counseling is a GOOD idea for you and your husband.
I hope things work out for you and your family!