When is Enough...enough?

[SamSpade]

Their must be something wrong with us. We don't have to nudge or encourage each other to do what is right by our kid. We've always just done it. I can't imagine what type of person needs to be told what do where their children are concerned.

I can, because some people have greatly differing ideas about what the right thing is.

I'll tell you one thing I don't get at all. The whole relative thing. To me, relatives are only as good as they do. If they don't talk to you all decade long, you don't owe them to show up at weddings or funerals. Most of my family feels different; they'll say "we're family - it doesn't matter if they're in your life at all". When I got married, I wanted my immediate family and friends - no cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I never see them, and them showing up on my big day seems hypocritical.

We compromised. Uncles and aunts (I have a million cousins) only.

I just don't get that attending functions with people I never see has anything to do with family loyalty.

 

[Larry Gude]

Yeah...

I appreciate all that you have mentioned.

I wish I knew how to communicate with him in a way that isn't confrontational to him. I honestly do try and talk to him...but he is a very argumentative person.

Any suggestions on how to deal with someone who always thinks they are right, and doesn't know how to communicate in a non confrontational manner?

...that's me, or at least some of the time and I got a witness or two in here to back me up on that. That's why I'm interested in this thread; maybe he's not just a lout or bad dad?

When Vrail wants to disarm someone she starts by saying;

"Can I be mean to you for a minute?"

He'll say ".........uhhhh.....Ok." The ice is broke.

"Do you wish you spent more time with Gertrude (daughter) and went to more of her events? Do you think you'll wish you had later on?"

He'll say "Well, maybe...I went to this one and that one..."

You "Yeah, but still, would you be happier if you went more often? She might be."


The thing is, frame it so it's right; it's about what he thinks he ought to be doing and what would be good for his child. It's not about YOU and what YOU think he should be doing.

You can throw in, the next time, because he's gonna go, how happy you are for him and her that he made time. Then, seal the deal with something from you to show him he pleased you to boot. I have several suggestions if you need any.

Is that just totally out of the realm of who the two of you are?

 

[SamSpade]

Any suggestions on how to deal with someone who always thinks they are right, and doesn't know how to communicate in a non confrontational manner?

Everyone always thinks they're right. It's why we argue. Some people think the purpose of argument is not agreement or consensus, but winning, and that might involve intimidation. I'm not one of those. My objective really IS - you agree with me. I admit it.

But - I'm Machiavellian about it. That's a big word for "sneaky". See, no one ever reaches this epiphany in an argument, that crystal clear moment of clarity where they realize YOU'VE been right the whole time. Never happens. Saints don't do this. No one does.

A good persuader knows this too. You make sure they have a means of saving face if they have to change their mind. The problem with some folks who argue is, when they get to deal the final blow - they've made their case, and it's compelling - they can't resist the urge to make the other person cry uncle. You give them the chance to think it was THEIR idea. You tell them "I could be wrong, but I think this is your kind of thing, and I bet you'd like it". You give them a chance to agree with you without having to admit they were wrong.

 

[SamSpade]

...
When Vrail wants to disarm someone she starts by saying;

That's exactly how I do it, although with some, I have to catch them in a moment when they wouldn't belt me for saying hello.

 

[Larry Gude]

You don't have to imagine...

Their must be something wrong with us. We don't have to nudge or encourage each other to do what is right by our kid. We've always just done it. I can't imagine what type of person needs to be told what do where their children are concerned.

...you know me.

The girls mom got me to get involved with soccer with them years ago. I wasn't doing it on my own. I wasn't NOT doing to 'get' her or them. I just wasn't doing it. I thank her for it to this day. It was great for me and, most importantly, the kids. She nudged me into it and I'm glad she did. It changed me and helped me be a better dad.

Maybe I'm just a bad dad and don't realize it? Maybe I'm worthy of her contempt? I don't think so, at all. And I also don't believe the two of you always see eye to eye on what's 'right by your kid'. I also don't see either of you ever sitting on the couch instead of going to see her events on a regular basis.

I mean, maybe MNW's hubby just sux.

 

[mAlice]

...

I mean, maybe MNW's hubby just sux.

This is what I suspect.

 

[Bronwyn]

...because you said he's still acting like a kid. So, treat him like one; tell him what you expect and why; be more involved with the kids because that's what dads are supposed to do.

Reward him when he does what you tell him. Punish him when he doesn't. If you want the marriage to last, and you have the patience and love, do it with patience and love. He'll feel like a man with a patient and loving wife and step up to the plate, over time, and thank you for it later. Or, he'll never get it but you tried.

If you don't have the patience or love or you're more concerned that you don't thank you should have to treat a grown man like a child about this, even though he is being a child about this, then resent him for it and make him feel like like a child who has a wife who resents him.

Then, when the divorce is final, you'll either feel like you did the right thing or you won't and he'll wish he'd grown up or he won't. And you'll both feel like you didn't really try.

I gotta agree with this one!

 

[SamSpade]

I mean, maybe MNW's hubby just sux.

That could be, but it's not like me to throw in with someone without hearing their version. I used to think my ex brother in law was the worst dad on Earth - until my sister got her butt popped in jail and we found out her daughter was on drugs. Then I got to hear his side of the previous ten years. No change was more profound in my niece than the year she had to spend with her "horrible" father.

 

[Larry Gude]

Yeah...

This is what I suspect.

...but it was worth the discussion.

I mean, the first post;

So...I've known for many years that the husband is still a kid, but thought he'd step up to the plate as a Dad. Well he may not be Ward Cleaver (Showin' my Age) but he's not a complete loser either. So here's the situation... He hardly ever goes to any of the kids activities. When he does go it's like pulling teeth to get him to go. There are no such things as "family" activities, unless it is something he wants to do...like go out on the boat. (not a bad activity...but not necessarily what one wants to do every time) This weekend my daughter had a performance on Friday night, were supposed to go to a party with his family on Saturday, and do Fireworks on Sunday. He's decided that he's not going on Friday night because we, meaning me and our child are ruining his whole weekend. I told him he was being selfish. He said our child was being selfish and she should get a friend. I don't get it. All she and I want is for him to be with us more and he just wants to act like a single 20 something with no responsibilities. Can someone help me understand this? I think I'm losing my mind!!!!!

...is mostly bad, assuming MNW is giving a very accurate account. But there still is some good in there. Some guys don't want anything to do with the family ESPECIALLY on the boat.

 

[mAlice]

Tell me, Larry...Why do men have to be told what to do regarding their children? You make it sound like men are too stupid to figure it out for themselves.

 

[mAlice]

This is how it goes:

Wife: Jr's play is Friday night.
Husband: Okay, I'll be there.

or

Wife: Jr's play is Friday night
Husband: Sorry. That particular function does not revolve around me, nor would I find it very entertaining. I'm gonna' (insert preferred entertainment).

 

[RoseRed]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/bubblewrap-p1.php

 

[cattitude]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/bubblewrap-p1.php

 

[MMDad]

You giving relationship advice? How ironic!

 

[vraiblonde]

You make it sound like men are too stupid to figure it out for themselves.

Mmmm...sometimes they are

I don't like playing games and all the silliness that seems to come with relationships. To me it should be as simple as, "I would like it if you would come to my mother's birthday party with me," and his response (because he loves me and wants to make me happy) is, "Okay." He can even sigh to show that he doesn't want to do it and is only trying to make me happy, I don't care.

If I have to do tricks and make him think it was his idea all along like some Mommy trying to convince her kid to eat his carrots, I don't want to deal with it. I'd rather go to my mother's birthday party by myself.

 

[sanchezf]

Just a question as I readd along

Are Vraiblonde and Larry Gude Married/Divorced ?

 

[jetmonkey]

This is when.

 

[vraiblonde]

Are Vraiblonde and Larry Gude Married/Divorced ?

Divorced from other people; married to each other.

 

[Sharon]

So...I've known for many years that the husband is still a kid, but thought he'd step up to the plate as a Dad. Well he may not be Ward Cleaver (Showin' my Age) but he's not a complete loser either. So here's the situation... He hardly ever goes to any of the kids activities. When he does go it's like pulling teeth to get him to go. There are no such things as "family" activities, unless it is something he wants to do...like go out on the boat. (not a bad activity...but not necessarily what one wants to do every time) This weekend my daughter had a performance on Friday night, were supposed to go to a party with his family on Saturday, and do Fireworks on Sunday. He's decided that he's not going on Friday night because we, meaning me and our child are ruining his whole weekend. I told him he was being selfish. He said our child was being selfish and she should get a friend. I don't get it. All she and I want is for him to be with us more and he just wants to act like a single 20 something with no responsibilities. Can someone help me understand this? I think I'm losing my mind!!!!!

Ug...

You say: He never stepped up to the plate (as a Dad) and he's still a kid.

He provides for the kids? (stepped up to the plate) yes? ...and he wants to have some of his own recreation time. Don't you feel he's entitled to it?

Name calling: selfish. Your opinion. Maybe he thinks you're a nag. It could be why he doesn't want to be at your beck and call 24/7.

You really do have family activities: boat, party, fireworks. You've overlooked these activities in order to get your message out about the ONE thing he doesn't want to do...attend that performance.

As for this particular performance he doesn't want to attend, what is it? Has he gone before? Does he go to others? Even though it might not be his cup of tea I doubt he would turn down his daughter's request if she was sincere and really wanted him there, while you kept your mouth shut about it. Your method puts him on the defensive.

Some kids have so many activities these days it's impossible to keep up. Why? Can't the kids stay home with the family?

 

[WifeandMother]

This is how it goes:

Wife: Jr's play is Friday night.
Husband: Okay, I'll be there.

or

Wife: Jr's play is Friday night
Husband: Sorry. That particular function does not revolve around me, nor would I find it very entertaining. I'm gonna' (insert preferred entertainment).

The latter....It was like you were there!!!!!