When is Enough...enough?

[Larry Gude]

That's a very good point...

My only beef with this story in the thread is we have zero input from the guy. I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard from both sides of a couple on the same situation, and each side managed to edit out some very inconvenient details that would have derailed their "side".

...my man.

If he was here, we'd either find he just doesn't care and there was nothing she could do or, perhaps, we'd find what HE thinks is missing from her.

Or, maybe some point in between.

 

[vraiblonde]

Do you guys need your own thread?

Nope - the conversation is of benefit to all married couples. It takes two to make it work, and motivation goes both ways.

 

[Larry Gude]

Yep...

Nope - the conversation is of benefit to all married couples. It takes two to make it work, and motivation goes both ways.

...men have power with their women, too.

 

[vraiblonde]

Any 'sweet, kind, nurturing' woman who got dumped didn't make him feel that way.

We both know someone who told his longtime girlfriend that he would only ask her to marry him if she lost 10 pounds. I will suggest that there are some people who will *never* feel that way, regardless of what their SO/spouse does.

 

[SamSpade]

...they did not do for her what she needed to keep the affection going.

Why did he stop doing what she needed?

Both questions -- gratitude.

When you're first with someone - you're excited. And afraid. Excited about - a lot of things, but the unknown. And afraid. Afraid that you'll lose it all. You're afraid to do the wrong thing, because they can just not call back or show their face in your life again. Excited because there's a lot of mystery of things ahead.

When I first dated my wife, I can remember giving her back rubs until my upper arms were sore. I was afraid she'd grow tired of me. One night I woke in the middle of the night, and she had left - and cleaned out all of her stuff from my house. That was the worst night of my life.

Both fear and excitement diminish once you're married and settled. They're probably not going to walk out the door one night. The mystery has vanished. You know what to expect.

But you forgot in some ways just how much your life SUCKED before they were in your life in the first place. Months after she's gone, you're going to remember - I can't believe we argued over *THIS*. Before I met my wife, I was over at my best friend's house and his wife undercooked his stuffed pork chops and he gave her an earful. Later I took him outside and gave him what he deserved - I told him you ungrateful jerk - that woman would cut out her heart if you asked her - and you're upset because she didn't cook something right for you? I've lived alone across the street for years, and I'd give my right arm for a nice woman to BURN MY DINNER EVERY NIGHT. You just don't know how good you have it, and how sad you'll be the day she's gone.

It's cliche but - you "take them for granted". You assume you deserve them. You don't deserve a damned thing; what you deserve is a lonely existence where no one will miss you.

 

[mAlice]

...men have power with their women, too.

Larry, you're so full o' sh!t with the "power" over each other nonsense. Men and women will compromise to make a relationship work, but no one has power over someone else.

 

[Kain99]

Larry, you're so full o' sh!t with the "power" over each other nonsense. Men and women will compromise to make a relationship work, but no one has power over someone else.

I see your point but... Is it possible to feel controlled?

 

[Larry Gude]

Right...

We both know someone who told his longtime girlfriend that he would only ask her to marry him if she lost 10 pounds. I will suggest that there are some people who will *never* feel that way, regardless of what their SO/spouse does.

...and maybe that is Motherandwifes situation.


Now, if she'd just lose that 10 pounds...

 

[Sharon]

no one has power over someone else.

One exception: abusive relationships.

 

[WifeandMother]

Hmm....if he were here to "give his side". Honestly...he wouldn't care. (Or atleast let on that he cared) I am usually one to place him in the best light. Which can be hard at times.
I wish he would talk about why he feels like he should not have to go do things. I have asked him on more than one occasion to get counseling...but he won't go. (Marriage counseling)
I don't know what else to do besides just ignore him. (How that helps, I'm not sure)

 

[Kain99]

One exception: abusive relationships.

Physical or emotional.

 

[SamSpade]

We both know someone who told his longtime girlfriend that he would only ask her to marry him if she lost 10 pounds. I will suggest that there are some people who will *never* feel that way, regardless of what their SO/spouse does.

I know any number of might-have-been couples where the dumped one was a nice girl/guy over a myriad reasons. Sometimes, you're right, nothing you will do will make a difference. When I met my wife - I had a girlfriend already. I know for a fact she wondered what "she did wrong". She told me.

 

[Larry Gude]

You're full of...

Larry, you're so full o' sh!t with the "power" over each other nonsense. Men and women will compromise to make a relationship work, but no one has power over someone else.

...####, sister. How much compromising would you do after all these years if ol' blues eyes didn't still make you swoon on occasion like he does? How much would he do if you still didn't get him? I see you guys. Sure, you fight or argue, sure my man is oppressed, sure you're can be an azz, but, you can't hide that stuff, that feeling. And feelings are strong. Whatever you've compromised, that hasn't been lost in the process. Least ways not too much of it.

Strong. Power. It's all the same.

 

[mAlice]

One exception: abusive relationships.

If I were in an abusive relationship, you'd have to tie me up and lock me in a closet to control me. And you better not EVER give me a chance to escape.

 

[jetmonkey]

Melvin Udall

She makes me wanna be a better man.

 

[mAlice]

How much would he do if you still didn't get him?

Can you rephrase this, 'cuz I'm not gettin' ya'.

 

[Geek]

Wifeandmother would have to change her screen name if she left him.

 

[vraiblonde]

I don't know what else to do besides just ignore him. (How that helps, I'm not sure)

How it helps is that it takes the pressure off of you to "make" him do family things. Next, it takes the pressure off of him and he may decide he wants to do these things now that he's not being forced.

Or maybe not. He may just genuinely be a butt who only wants to do what he wants to do. But either way, there's nothing you can do about it so there's no sense in fighting.

 

[Larry Gude]

Ok...

Hmm....if he were here to "give his side". Honestly...he wouldn't care. (Or atleast let on that he cared) I am usually one to place him in the best light. Which can be hard at times.
I wish he would talk about why he feels like he should not have to go do things. I have asked him on more than one occasion to get counseling...but he won't go. (Marriage counseling)
I don't know what else to do besides just ignore him. (How that helps, I'm not sure)

...if you KNOW he just doesn't want to go, whaddyagonnado. But, without exception, whenever Vrail ever got me to play a game with the kids, I enjoyed it. That doesn't mean I'm gonna become the one who says 'let's play a game.' There's been things I had to get her to do that she enjoyed that will NEVER be her idea.

 

[SamSpade]

Hmm....if he were here to "give his side". Honestly...he wouldn't care. (Or atleast let on that he cared) I am usually one to place him in the best light. Which can be hard at times.
I wish he would talk about why he feels like he should not have to go do things. I have asked him on more than one occasion to get counseling...but he won't go. (Marriage counseling)
I don't know what else to do besides just ignore him. (How that helps, I'm not sure)

For the moment - ignoring might be beneficial. Talking it out isn't as cathartic for men as it is for women (the act of talking actually releases chemicals in the woman's brain - as one writer described it - similar to those experience by heroin addicts. Men's brains do not do this).

I'm guessing you're saying you both would go to counselling? Instead of him alone? If my wife thought we were having problems but suggested *I* see a therapist, that would be equivalent to her blaming me for all her problems - and I'd probably ignore it.