Honest Opinion and/or Insight

[BernieP]

Here's my take. Live your life, don't wait on him. If you are meant to be, you'll find your way back together. But get on about things, which means date, do the things you want to do.

 

[SamSpade]

I guess, overall, the questions I'd ask myself are:

1) If the relationship - married or not - continues just as it is now, is that something you want? That is, if he continues to more or less behave as he did on the camping trip?

2) If the relationship isn't going to work out, would you rather it end now, or sometime down the road - or some years down the road?

and lastly

3) Despite the years you've put into this - is this what you want, for the rest of your life?

I know it sounds like I'm saying get out now, but only you know enough about the situation to make a good judgment. I know that gut reactions usually tell the truth. I also know that when you're young, facing adult situations can put the brakes on what otherwise seems like a continuous fun ride. And I know that everyone gets cold feet in a relationship - sometimes on the wedding day.

On the other hand, I also know when I was young, I was involved with girlfriends I had no intention of building a life together with them. It was fun, and they were great companions. And I know at that age, I didn't really want the mantle of adulthood - I still wanted to play.

 

[toppick08]

Here's my take. Live your life, don't wait on him. If you are meant to be, you'll find your way back together. But get on about things, which means date, do the things you want to do.

 

[lnmarsh]

Here's my take. Live your life, don't wait on him. If you are meant to be, you'll find your way back together. But get on about things, which means date, do the things you want to do.

I don’t really want to date I mean, the game is fun and all but it gets really old really quick. And honestly… I just don’t want to see other people right now. But as far as doing the things I want to do, I am… Nothing’s really changed there.

I guess, overall, the questions I'd ask myself are:

1) If the relationship - married or not - continues just as it is now, is that something you want? That is, if he continues to more or less behave as he did on the camping trip?

If the relationship continues as it is right now, then no… that’s not something I want. But I’m not sure how he is acting right now is a permanent thing…

2) If the relationship isn't going to work out, would you rather it end now, or sometime down the road - or some years down the road?

If I knew for sure that things weren’t going to work out, then I’d rather end it sooner rather than later. But Im not sure that things aren’t going to work out. Im not sure that they are, either…

and lastly

3) Despite the years you've put into this - is this what you want, for the rest of your life?

As things are going right now, no. Its not what I want for the rest of my life. But the more I think about it and calm down about it (as opposed to when I did my original post while I was freaking out) I think this is just a random fluke thing. Like I said – he’s got his mind twisted around things.

I know it sounds like I'm saying get out now, but only you know enough about the situation to make a good judgment. I know that gut reactions usually tell the truth. I also know that when you're young, facing adult situations can put the brakes on what otherwise seems like a continuous fun ride. And I know that everyone gets cold feet in a relationship - sometimes on the wedding day.

Im thinking this is more like cold feet...

On the other hand, I also know when I was young, I was involved with girlfriends I had no intention of building a life together with them. It was fun, and they were great companions. And I know at that age, I didn't really want the mantle of adulthood - I still wanted to play.

He WANTS those responsibilities of adulthood. He wants a house, family, kids, etc. I know hes in DC right now and him and his buddies are gonna party it up, but he’s settled down quite a bit since I first met him. Hes not big into bars and/or parties anymore. And 9 times out of 10, he volunteers to be the DD. I know that’s not a huge deal Im just saying… hes matured a lot over the past 4 years.

On another note; I texted him this morning...

...But only because it was in reply to a text he sent me last night!

 

[pebbles]

I don’t really want to date I mean, the game is fun and all but it gets really old really quick. And honestly… I just don’t want to see other people right now. But as far as doing the things I want to do, I am… Nothing’s really changed there.



On another note; I texted him this morning...

...But only because it was in reply to a text he sent me last night!

Happy For you, I feel like I'm reading a novel. Hopefully it was a "good" text message to you. Keep it that way ALL weekend. Only text him if he texts you & even then don't do it immediately. Trust me, been there done that! (even the miscarriage part, so if you need an ear, pm me)
Good Luck! & enjoy your weekend!

 

[Larry Gude]

I asked him if I had done something to make him mad. He said no, like I figured he would. I asked him if he was questioning our relationship. He said yes; like I figured he would. While I was expecting that answer, I wasnt nearly as prepared for it as I thought and I got very upset. He explained to me that he is sure that he loves me, that he always has and always will. He just isnt sure if we're meant to be together in the long run. Hes not sure if we're too much alike or just too different. He said that hes been treating us as more of a friendship in his mind, and its making him worry less and subsequently making him happier because he isnt stressed about our relationship. I told him I can tell the difference in the way he acts, and that I dont know why he would be questioning us if he loves me like he says he does. He says that him questioning the relationship dosnt mean that we're not together right now, but he just "needs to figure some things out." Hes not sure if he can get over things that have happened in the past.

OK, kiddo, you've painted a picture of a straight up guy and that's what you are saying; bolded part #1.

Then, you're questioning whether he really is, as in bolded part #2 after he already gave you the answer. He's questioning it and he just is, for the stated reasons.

There isn't a thing you can do about him questioning whether you are too much alike or too different for the long run. You either are or are not. And that is what he is stewing over, that's what he is trying to figure out.

What you can do is listen to what he is saying and believe him. By him telling you exactly how he feels and what is on his mind, what more could you ask for? It can hurt you, make you feel bad and not even make sense...to you. But, it's the truth and you either want that or you don't. But, you're dealing here with a simple man who put it to you simply. You are rejecting him by saying the second bolded part. He's hearing you say he's doing something wrong by feeling the way he's feeling. You're making him wish he'd never said a word and hence the withdraw. He opened up and you stung him for it. You didn't mean to but, I'm just saying, a guy presenting his feelings, he's vulnerable. Sure sounds like you know him real well, though.

Guys don't do 'feelings' a whole lot and the meekest woman can chop down the mightiest man by rejecting his feelings when he gets them out. If he keeps saying the same thing to you and you keep saying, in affect, "too bad for you" he'll get the message.

The bad part is he isn't asking anything of you that you can fix and that's, obviously, frustrating for you. So, if you wanna 'do' something, do what he asks; let him figure it out. Guys are real clear. When we have a problem and we tell you what it is you know have immense power we just handed you and you can either accept that or reject that.

Which gives you something to figure out.

 

[lnmarsh]

Happy For you, I feel like I'm reading a novel. Hopefully it was a "good" text message to you. Keep it that way ALL weekend. Only text him if he texts you & even then don't do it immediately. Trust me, been there done that! (even the miscarriage part, so if you need an ear, pm me)
Good Luck! & enjoy your weekend!

"I feel like I'm reading a novel." <-- Im one of those losers who have kept a journal on and off since I was about 8. I swear one day im going to publish them; I laugh hysterically re-reading some old chapters of my life that I dont even remember. Sometimes I write very eloquently... other times, Im a mess

It was a good message. On our way to go camping last weekend I had asked him to please text/call me at least once a day while he is in DC simply to let me know he's alive (obviously, I worry a lot). I hadnt brought it up again after that... then low and behold I get a text around 1:30am saying "I just wanted to let you know Im home safe. Goodnight." I personally would have liked to have seen a little "I love you" thrown in there. But the fact that he not only remembered my request but also cared enought about what I said to actually abide by it makes me happy

We'll see if it continues through the weekend...

 

[lnmarsh]

OK, kiddo, you've painted a picture of a straight up guy and that's what you are saying; bolded part #1.

Then, you're questioning whether he really is, as in bolded part #2 after he already gave you the answer. He's questioning it and he just is, for the stated reasons.

There isn't a thing you can do about him questioning whether you are too much alike or too different for the long run. You either are or are not. And that is what he is stewing over, that's what he is trying to figure out.

What you can do is listen to what he is saying and believe him. By him telling you exactly how he feels and what is on his mind, what more could you ask for? It can hurt you, make you feel bad and not even make sense...to you. But, it's the truth and you either want that or you don't. But, you're dealing here with a simple man who put it to you simply. You are rejecting him by saying the second bolded part. He's hearing you say he's doing something wrong by feeling the way he's feeling. You're making him wish he'd never said a word and hence the withdraw. He opened up and you stung him for it. You didn't mean to but, I'm just saying, a guy presenting his feelings, he's vulnerable. Sure sounds like you know him real well, though.

Guys don't do 'feelings' a whole lot and the meekest woman can chop down the mightiest man by rejecting his feelings when he gets them out. If he keeps saying the same thing to you and you keep saying, in affect, "too bad for you" he'll get the message.

The bad part is he isn't asking anything of you that you can fix and that's, obviously, frustrating for you. So, if you wanna 'do' something, do what he asks; let him figure it out. Guys are real clear. When we have a problem and we tell you what it is you know have immense power we just handed you and you can either accept that or reject that.

Which gives you something to figure out.

Thanks, Larry. You're the first guy to comment on this whole mess who really made sense to me. I've pretty much come to those same conclusions as of late... but you just sured it up for me. I honestly dont remember if I "stung" him for what he said by continuing to ask "why" when him and I talked last... I would like to say that I just sat there quietly and accepted what he was saying to me. I, however, know myself well enough to know I probably opened my big mouth and said something like "but that dosnt make any sense!" I distinctly remember crying and when I get to that point of being upset, I usually say things I shouldnt.

Thank you for your insight on the whole situation. All the more reason you have my vote for President

 

[Larry Gude]

Thanks, Larry. You're the first guy to comment on this whole mess who really made sense to me.

Shhhh! Don't say that out loud. They'll burn you at the stake for consorting with a known blasphemer. Very touchy bunch around here about their orthodoxy.

 

[Larry Gude]

I honestly dont remember if I "stung" him for what he said by continuing to ask "why" when him and I talked last...

To be clear, I know you didn't mean to and that was not your intent. It's just that we're a bunch of touchy wusses about our feelings when we get around to trying to sort them out.

 

[Larry Gude]

Thanks, Larry. You're the first guy to comment on this whole mess who really made sense to me. I've pretty much come to those same conclusions as of late... but you just sured it up for me. I honestly dont remember if I "stung" him for what he said by continuing to ask "why" when him and I talked last... I would like to say that I just sat there quietly and accepted what he was saying to me. I, however, know myself well enough to know I probably opened my big mouth and said something like "but that dosnt make any sense!" I distinctly remember crying and when I get to that point of being upset, I usually say things I shouldnt.

Thank you for your insight on the whole situation. All the more reason you have my vote for President

This is why Muslim men don't let their women speak and hit them with sticks if they dare. "But Achmed, if you love me, why do you look at the camels that way???"


You don't have a camel, do you? Just checking...

 

[lnmarsh]

Shhhh! Don't say that out loud. They'll burn you at the stake for consorting with a known blasphemer. Very touchy bunch around here about their orthodoxy.

To be clear, I know you didn't mean to and that was not your intent. It's just that we're a bunch of touchy wusses about our feelings when we get around to trying to sort them out.

Oh yea, I definitely wasn’t trying to “sting” him with what I said. Ugh. I knew yall were big babies when it came to not feeling well (my big tough Marine wasn’t so big nor so tough after his HumV accident and subsequent surgeries! Or hell… when he has a friggin cold)... But big babies when it comes to feelings? Jeez... and I thought females were bad!

This is why Muslim men don't let their women speak and hit them with sticks if they dare. "But Achmed, if you love me, why do you look at the camels that way???"


You don't have a camel, do you? Just checking...

No… but I do have a horse.

 

[Larry Gude]

Oh yea, I definitely wasn’t trying to “sting” him with what I said. Ugh. I knew yall were big babies when it came to not feeling well (my big tough Marine wasn’t so big nor so tough after his HumV accident and subsequent surgeries! Or hell… when he has a friggin cold)... But big babies when it comes to feelings? Jeez... and I thought females were bad!



No… but I do have a horse.

Oh no...

 

[FED_UP]

Male opinion, I need my space like some else mentioned it means he is pretty much ready to quit, just does not want to hurt your feeling in the process. But be sure he will be calling you up for booty calls. He is hoping you will say it before he does so later he can say you broke up with me. Long term split ups are not easy because feeling don't go away overnight. You two went through some rough things, but you have an entire life ahead of you still. Seems its time to put your self back on the market. One other thought I had was that he won't even kiss you, sure sign their, but if I bet you bend over and back it up on him he won't have a problem with that, us men are so wrong.

 

[vraiblonde]

But big babies when it comes to feelings? Jeez... and I thought females were bad!

Do not forget about this part:

...when we get around to trying to sort them out.

Typically by the time they get around to sorting their feelings out, they've nuked the bridge and you barely remember their name anymore.

At the end of the day, people do what they want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks. So it's either not so bad with your beau, or he's a dick who should be kicked to the curb. Only you know the answer to that because you're the one in the situation.

 

[FED_UP]

I wonder if their is another lady in the picture? Ladies alway saying Not my man, you would be surprise how many men are creeping. Vraiblonde man for example, just kidding V. But InMish your probably hot and still young and guess what Tigers divorce is final now, so your problem is solved give him a buzzzzzzzzz.

 

[Larry Gude]

Typically by the time they get around to sorting their feelings out, they've nuked the bridge and you barely remember their name anymore.

I don't see how that applies here. She describes the relationship in terms where, for a pretty good while, they got along great and were both happy and made it through some tough stuff, together, not a mention of a nuked bridge or fridge or even out house. She isn't describing some guy who has been having problems with the relationship and never wanna talk about it, far from it, until recently. Hell, she even predicted what he was thinking and what he'd say when there was a problem.

So, given what she's described, him telling her something was wrong, which she knew, and her reaction to it, I'm just telling her how he took her reaction. Maybe he is a dick, I don't know him but, he sounds like a pretty solid guy to me, knew what was wrong and told her so.

I'm just pointing out the disconnect when women want communication, get it and then, in essence, tell him 'you're wrong about how you feel'. You told her nothing could ever keep him from her if that was what he 'really' wanted and that is mostly true. However, the most powerful force in the universe can push him away; her disapproval and rejection.

I've told you that for years and I know we disagree about it but, you are, in essence, presuming this is all on him and I'm saying to add to the conversation that that may be, he's just a dick, but, not based on what I am reading. You don't have to think he's being honest but, you sure can't fault the guy for not being able to say what he feels and thinking. Doesn't sound like much of a dick to me.

 

[vraiblonde]

I've told you that for years and I know we disagree about it but, you are, in essence, presuming this is all on him

Huh? I posted that he may or may not be a dick, and that she's the only one who can determine that because I don't know the guy. And earlier I asked her why she was confronting him if there was no problem. How do you get that I'm presuming it's all him?

 

[Larry Gude]

If he wanted you, there would be nothing that could keep him away. Men don't do drama like women do - they're pretty simple creatures. "I need space" is standard code for "I'm done with our relationship."
Sorry.

I'll have to take your word for it. :shrug: My experience is that guys jerk you around with their "space" needs, typically because they're interested in another woman. Then, as soon as you start dating someone else, they come sniffing around again because they can't stand losing.
But of course you wouldn't know that because you're so awesome!

Or, "Listen, I have a date with a really hot guy this Saturday, so could you possibly hold off on this until maybe Monday or so?"

When the puppy pees on the carpet, we correct its behavior, we don't reward it with affection.

So what's the problem and why did you feel the need to confront him with your non-existent fears?

I dunno...when I was younger I kind of enjoyed the drama of some guy who wasn't into it. The thrill of the chase - "WHY don't you want me, Fabio!!!???" Now that I'm older, I vanish at the first sign he's dicking me around.

Do not forget about this part:



Typically by the time they get around to sorting their feelings out, they've nuked the bridge and you barely remember their name anymore.

At the end of the day, people do what they want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks. So it's either not so bad with your beau, or he's a dick who should be kicked to the curb. Only you know the answer to that because you're the one in the situation.

Huh? I posted that he may or may not be a dick, and that she's the only one who can determine that because I don't know the guy. And earlier I asked her why she was confronting him if there was no problem. How do you get that I'm presuming it's all him?

Wild guess?

 

[Larry Gude]

Huh? I posted that he may or may not be a dick, and that she's the only one who can determine that because I don't know the guy. And earlier I asked her why she was confronting him if there was no problem. How do you get that I'm presuming it's all him?

Also, my post may have read funny;

However, the most powerful force in the universe can push him away; her disapproval and rejection.

I've told you that for years and I know we disagree about it but, you are, in essence, presuming this is all on him and I'm saying to add to the conversation that that may be, he's just a dick, but, not based on what I am reading.

That was in two paragraphs. I meant for the first to tie into the second, there.

And I totally got that you were saying maybe he is a dick, maybe he's not. I did not read you to say that it is, for sure, all on him. That said, you didn't seem to be saying anything, at all, about her role in this and much about him and guys in general.