Late bloomers

[kwillia]

No, it doesn't, but there are a lot of women who think that way.

Men are typically very honest about who they are. If you pay even the slightest bit of attention, you won't be in for any surprises. Unfortunately women don't pay attention, or we ignore him when he shows us or flat out tells us who he is.

"Well, sure he was like that with other women. I'm positive I can change him into the man of my dreams...because I am special and THE ONE."

OMG! This is exactly what I'm trying to teach my 18 year old daughter and she begins her navigation through the man-field! I'm going to read your post out loud to her this morning...

 

[vraiblonde]

OMG! This is exactly what I'm trying to teach my 18 year old daughter and she begins her navigation through the man-field! I'm going to read your post out loud to her this morning...

I don't think she's going to have a whole lot of problems in that regard because she's had a very good example set for her growing up.

 

[Larry Gude]

Which is why they invented the tubal ligation.

Yup. THAT is taking responsibility and taking control.

 

[ArkRescue]

Just for the record, people (not just men) usually do NOT change. People are what they are, even if what they are is selfish, lazy or even a drug addict. Chances are most people are NOT going to change themselves to suit another person's image of what they should be.

If the person you see isn't what you want, move on, chances are high that even if the person WANTS to change, they will likely be unable to sustain the change long-term.

I never changed. I was rescuing critters as a small child. I've always rescued critters, and I've always had critters in my life. When I first met my ex he had to tag along on a rescue mission I was working on (someone dumped a litter of kittens in the local park) to get a chance to spend time with me so ..... HELLO! what part of CRITTERS ARE MY LIFE didn't you understand way back then? So when my ex tried to change me to suit his expectations/desires (no critters), we butted heads, repeatedly. No, I was not giving up what makes me whole ....... I am sure he was surprised it was critters, and not him? I'm not.

There is one thing to be said for being older and wiser, we now know what we DON'T want.

AGAIN if what you see isn't what you want, NEXT!

 

[kwillia]

Just for the record, people (not just men) usually do NOT change. People are what they are, even if what they are is selfish, lazy or even a drug addict. Chances are most people are NOT going to change themselves to suit another person's image of what they should be.

If the person you see isn't what you want, move on, chances are high that even if the person WANTS to change, they will likely be unable to sustain the change long-term.

I never changed. I was rescuing critters as a small child. I've always rescued critters, and I've always had critters in my life. When I first met my ex he had to tag along on a rescue mission I was working on (someone dumped a litter of kittens in the local park) to get a chance to spend time with me so ..... HELLO! what part of CRITTERS ARE MY LIFE didn't you understand way back then? So when my ex tried to change me to suit his expectations/desires (no critters), we butted heads, repeatedly. No, I was not giving up what makes me whole ....... I am sure he was surprised it was critters, and not him? I'm not.

There is one thing to be said for being older and wiser, we now know what we DON'T want.

AGAIN if what you see isn't what you want, NEXT!

I changed... I am not the woman my man married 22 years ago. 22 years ago I was young and naive and loved being in love and loved spoiling the hell out of him and I would bake special things for him... cook him yummy unhealthy stuff because I know he'd love it... got up at 4 a.m. to make him breakfast if he had to get up early to go somewhere... set his coffee maker every night before I'd go to bed because I knew he never took the time to do it and it would save him time in the morning.. etc. etc. and over time I developed resentment because I did tons and tons of stuff to make his life easier and pleasant and it became the norm and expected...

Then I grew up. I realized that I couldn't resent him for these things because I chose to do it not him... and I realized that the resentment was because it wasn't just him I was working so hard to please but now also two children and two dogs and I made it seem easy so he never picked up on the fact that I was now completely overwhelmed and always exhausted.

Now I do the things that make me happy and I let the other stuff go. He's had a big adjustment because then when the day to day magic no longer was happening he was like "WTF?"... we both had to adjust and now it works.

 

[ArkRescue]

I changed... I am not the woman my man married 22 years ago. 22 years ago I was young and naive and loved being in love and loved spoiling the hell out of him and I would bake special things for him... cook him yummy unhealthy stuff because I know he'd love it... got up at 4 a.m. to make him breakfast if he had to get up early to go somewhere... set his coffee maker every night before I'd go to bed because I knew he never took the time to do it and it would save him time in the morning.. etc. etc. and over time I developed resentment because I did tons and tons of stuff to make his life easier and pleasant and it became the norm and expected...

Then I grew up. I realized that I couldn't resent him for these things because I chose to do it not him... and I realized that the resentment was because it wasn't just him I was working so hard to please but now also two children and two dogs and I made it seem easy so he never picked up on the fact that I was now completely overwhelmed and always exhausted.

Now I do the things that make me happy and I let the other stuff go. He's had a big adjustment because then when the day to day magic no longer was happening he was like "WTF?"... we both had to adjust and now it works.

I used to do that also, until I realized that he wouldn't do the same for me. I gave him consideration he never would have extended to me. I didn't change though, I STILL like to do things for people, just that now I PICK who I extended my goodwill toward. I give to those who appreciate it and some of them actually give back, imagine that <G>.

The day I had surgery on my right knee in 2007 was the day I realized how unimportant I was. It was as if I lived alone. The day after the surgery I was hobbling on crutches going down the steps to the front door to go outside and feed my farm critters because my ex didn't care to help me in my time of need after I had spent many years catering to his. So I decided living alone had to be better than being ignored, and so far it is!

 

[kwillia]

I used to do that also, until I realized that he wouldn't do the same for me. I gave him consideration he never would have extended to me. I didn't change though, I STILL like to do things for people, just that now I PICK who I extended my goodwill toward. I give to those who appreciate it and some of them actually give back, imagine that <G>.

The day I had surgery on my right knee in 2007 was the day I realized how unimportant I was. It was as if I lived alone. The day after the surgery I was hobbling on crutches going down the steps to the front door to go outside and feed my farm critters because my ex didn't care to help me in my time of need after I had spent many years catering to his. So I decided living alone had to be better than being ignored, and so far it is!

You downfall was expecting a man to think and act like a woman. Once I realized that would never think and react like him and he would never think and react like me and that was normal and natural I was able to adjust and we are happily married 22 years and going strong.

The problem wasn't him... it was my misconception that the way I view things and my expectations were the way he should view things and how he should act and react. Now I do what I want and when I want for what makes me happy and yes I still do things to make his life easier and to show I love him and to show I think of him... but this time I do it not because it's become normal routine, but because I enjoy doing it for him.

It makes a world of difference to have wakened up to that epiphany in life.

 

[ArkRescue]

You downfall was expecting a man to think and act like a woman. Once I realized that would never think and react like him and he would never think and react like me and that was normal and natural I was able to adjust and we are happily married 22 years and going strong.

The problem wasn't him... it was my misconception that the way I view things and my expectations were the way he should view things and how he should act and react. Now I do what I want and when I want for what makes me happy and yes I still do things to make his life easier and to show I love him and to show I think of him... but this time I do it not because it's become normal routine, but because I enjoy doing it for him.

It makes a world of difference to have wakened up to that epiphany in life.

I didn't expect him to act like anything other than act like he cared. He didn't care. He said he did, but his actions said different. So when I realized he was just a BS talker it all made sense. Not sure how I was blind to the BS for so long (others around me saw it), but at least I opened my eyes eventually.

Good for your success.

 

[MMDad]

Just for the record, people (not just men) usually do NOT change. People are what they are, even if what they are is selfish, lazy or even a drug addict.

I disagree wholeheartedly. I changed drastically, and my wife has changed too. Everyone I know has changed over time. The only constant is change.

What you cannot count on is that the change will be better, or even enough. If you marry a druggie then he changes into an alcoholic, is it something you can deal with?

Chances are most people are NOT going to change themselves to suit another person's image of what they should be.

This part is absolutely true. You cannot rely on your ability to change the other person. The most you can do is nudge them, but the harder you push the less likely they will change.

 

[vraiblonde]

It's interesting that women marry a man hoping he'll change, and men marry a woman hoping she'll never change. That's why I say men are generally more honest in relationships than women.

 

[huntr1]

It's interesting that women marry a man hoping he'll change, and men marry a woman hoping she'll never change. That's why I say men are generally more honest in relationships than women.

Sorry, but I totally hoped my wife would change when we got married.





































Change my diapers when I get old and feeble that is.

 

[ArkRescue]

Sorry, but I totally hoped my wife would change when we got married.
Change my diapers when I get old and feeble that is.

Yeah right - is this why men die sooner? So we'll have to take care of them, then we have to rely on the kids to care for us? I always said I'll be sitting in the corner a Mummy with cobwebs before my kid noticed I needed food or water, let alone change my diaper LOL

 

[MMDad]

Yeah right - is this why men die sooner?

No, we die sooner because we want to. Before marriage, we want to live forever.

 

[bcp]

Yeah right - is this why men die sooner? So we'll have to take care of them, then we have to rely on the kids to care for us? I always said I'll be sitting in the corner a Mummy with cobwebs before my kid noticed I needed food or water, let alone change my diaper LOL

I did it the smart way.
I Big Mac'ed myself into heart stents,
I abused my back sky diving and rock climbing (and falling) to a point of no repair
I smoked my way into clinical asthma.

Im dropping from one of those long before I need diapers.

oh, and as most real men, I refuse to see a doctor for any reason unless I am in a state of pain that is beyond the normal humans ability to deal with.

 

[vraiblonde]

No, we die sooner because we want to. Before marriage, we want to live forever.

Yay! Then we can spend your life insurance money on Bahamian cabana boys and tropical beverages!

 

[awpitt]

I just read through this thread today. It was interesting to see all the various ages of parents and children in the forums. In my case, I'm 48. My kids are 28, 16, and 14. My late grandson would be 10, and my granddaughter is 2.

 

[MarieB]

I also just read the thread this morning. Interesting conversation. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with that situation, but I can't say that I'm surprised that the guy wants to date and I don't find him looking in the same age range unusual. It depends upon what he is looking for out of dating a/o a relationship.

I'm 41 and have a 3 and 6 year old. We were married 12 years before we had any children. We waited until we thought the time was right emotionally and financially. We were actually ready before we felt that the financial aspects were right, and being that we lived 3000 miles from all family at the time also meant that we didn't have a "support unit" like other couples have. That was also a consideration.

As far as whether or not people change, I agree that they can and often do.

 

[aps45819]

So for real, you guys who are inching toward your 30s and still haven't gotten your starter marriage and procreation out of the way? Ya'll better get it on or you're going to have a hard time finding any women who'll want to start over again with you at age 40+.

Yeesh.

We can't help it if we're virile studs :shrug:

 

[ArkRescue]

We can't help it if we're virile studs :shrug:

Not all of you are LOL - I think some men find out too late that not staying in shape physically can lead to not being capable of certain activities later in life.