Ok. Help please!!!

R

red_explorer

Well-Known Member
aps45819 said:
I once had someone tell me that other people's opinion of me is none of my business.
Turns out the ONLY person you have to please is yourself. :lol:

You have absolutely no control over how other people perceive your situation so spending time and effort worrying about what they think seems somewhat pointless.
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Yes, but their comments and looks sometimes hurt to the bone. Especially when they are relatives.
 
Larry Gude

Larry Gude

Strung Out
There's...

red_explorer said:
Some of my friends have been really surprised that I would even consider moving on, but I hate being lonely. I hate having noone to talk to.
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...all sorts of professional opinions on grief and mourning, but, 18 months seems to be a fairly common reference point, as a minimum, to get over a traumatic event; death, divorce, a Redskins season.

And that's the deeper problem. Usually, death and divorce don't overlap. There is time. However, by the time one is recovering from the Redskins, we're in the middle of the next season; compounding trauma. You live in a state of suspended animation, groundhog day-esque.
 
S

signora

New Member
red_explorer said:
But like I said before, divorce is normal. Death at 41 is not. Most forms you fill out ask married separated divorced, single- not widow- I hate the term. I hate what it denotes. I hate that there are preconcieved notions about me because of his death. Everyone has read the stories about the crazy widows, or the widows who are chasing everyone's husbands, and I don't want that reputation. I worry when friends husbands help me with things at the house. I worry about the jokes. Other people think they are funny. I am 37. Do you think I planned this? At this point in my life, I figured I would be wife and mother. Have a house, and already had the greatest guy. Now I am starting over.
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Death happens at all ages, but true 41 is a young age to die and it is hard to lose someone you love. I do think you need to stop worrying what "you may think" others are thinking, etc. If someone offers help then take if, if you need it.

Everybody handles death and grieving differently. Some can move on quickly while others have a hard time letting go because they are afraid to and sometimes thing it's wrong to. It's no doubt by the responses you put on this thread that you loved your husband and are still very much grieving his loss. But at the same time you met this other guy who you seem to like, but afraid to take a chance. I would think your husband would want you to be happy and possibly find love again. By doing so doesn't mean you didn't love him etc. You're never going to forget him because can always carry the memories of somebody you loved with you.

Only you can do what's best for you and when you are ready to move on you will, but don't be afraid to take chances either. Just take one day at a time and see how it goes and don't worry about what others may things - it's your life not theirs.
 
aps45819

aps45819

24/7 Single Dad
red_explorer said:
And when they are his relatives.
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:lol: Screw them.
Unless there are kids involved, they are no longer related to you.
YOU and only you define their role in your life.
If you get involved with somebody else will you expect his relatives to approve?
I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.
 
M

me123

New Member
red_explorer said:
So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?
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I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

If he really is interested in you then he will give you space to heal but also be there for you. If you two started out as friends then try to keep it at that level. Hugging is not saying your more then friends, its just a hug for comfort and affection. If he hasn't responded to you then i would be done with it. but if he has then just let him know what your feeling, honesty is the key and if he's any kind of a man that truly is interested in you then he'll wait for you when you are ready to be more then just friends.
 
PsyOps

PsyOps

Pixelated
red_explorer said:
So, I had finally gotten up the nerve to start talking to someone-the first someone since my husband died- and I think I really screwed it up last night.

We finally met over the weekend, had a great time, went to church together, explored near his area, and laughed a lot. He called me three times on the way home to see how my trip was progressing. And he said he would come visit this weekend maybe. Now Sunday, I didn't really talk to him, although I wanted to. I knew he had to work, and he was not feeling well. Monday, I called to see how he was feeling and he was miserable. Yesterday, I called mid day, and he was still feeling bad. Last night, I had a really bad night. I decided there was a lot of stress building up to what would have been my wedding anniversary, and it seemed like there were reminders everywhere. And after work, I went home and started drinking. I don't usually drink alone because it scares me. Anyway, I was really lonely and started calling friends. Noone was home or answered cells or homes. So I called him. I don't think I said anything too horrible to him, and I told him I really didn't want to call him and lay this on his shoulders, (even though he has done the same to me), but I was really upset on the phone. He told me a couple of jokes, and we laughed some. He also said that maybe I wasn't ready to date someone, that there was still a lot I had to go through, but that he wasn't rejecting me. The one thing I do remember telling him is the truth, that I wanted to hug him while we were out the other night, but was afraid to cross a line (we said we were starting as friends and see where things go). His comment was that I had set the boundaries, and it was up to me. He told me to call back in an hour. I did, and we talked for a couple of minutes and he said he was waiting for a call from his kids, and to send him a message this morning letting him know I was ok. I did, along with a couple of other emails, and haven't heard anything all day.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. Do I call him, or did I really screw up?
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I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.
 
theArtistFormerlyKnownAs

theArtistFormerlyKnownAs

Well-Known Member
PsyOps said:
I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.
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:yay: good input. It is very true that you will always regret not living your one life to its fullest. (which includes moving on and not letting something bad dwell in your life)
 
PsyOps

PsyOps

Pixelated
pcjohnnyb said:
:yay: good input. It is very true that you will always regret not living your one life to its fullest. (which includes moving on and not letting something bad dwell in your life)
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Thanks PC, I was really worried it would come off wrong.
 
R

red_explorer

Well-Known Member
PsyOps said:
I hope this doesn't come across as callous because it is definitely not meant that way...

There are two things you will never get over... the loss of a loved one, and not moving on with your life.

I pray for for you to be at peace with your decision.
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You did not come across as callous. What has gotten me through to this point is the knowledge that even when my husband was sick and so upset, he was always willing to help out and took care of everyone, especially me. I know he would want me to move on. At least I know it in my mind. Still working on the heart part. I am more at peace with it now, although I have tough moments. I have wonderful friends who have helped me through a lot.
 
godsbutterfly

godsbutterfly

Free to Fly
riverview said:
Baby steps....

I lost my husband a few years ago and made a lot of mistakes since then. Several years down the road it has gotten a bit easier, but I believe everyone has a soul mate and wonder if I will be single for the rest of my life I'm in my 40s also.

DO not fall into a relationship just for the sake of being with someone. It sounds as though you are not ready for a relationship, especially one with someone that also "has alot on his plate". You need to worry about YOU right nowm and it may not be wise to take on someone elses problems. It woudl be bnice to have afriend to lean on, but don't make the mistake of jumping into something it sounds like you are not ready for.

Do you have children? If you would like someone to talk to that knows exactly how you feel, I'm here. I haven't met nayone my age that has been in the smae circumstance and I feel that people think I should have 'gotten over it" by now. I look at my kids every day growing up with out their dad and I know I will never "get over it".

Take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. Hugs to you.
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Wonderful post. Nobody can tell anyone else how long it will take them to recover from the loss of a loved one as each person grieves in their own way and their own time. I wish you both the best of luck as you move forward day by day.
 
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