Cowgirl
Well-Known Member
True...but he may eventually come around.
Step-Parenting
- Thread starter charlesctygal
- Start date
True...but he may eventually come around.
cattitude
My Sweetest Boy
I am in for the split.... $1.00
LCDj
Lou
Step Parent
As mentioned above you in for some very serious problems. I can relate to this as one of family has a similar situation. As the child gets older he will expect to get his own way, not only in your home but in public, at work, etc. etc. A real problem for him. I would suggest a meeting with your husband when the child is not around, express to him your concerns and if he does not appear to agree with you seek professional councelling. The experts will inform your husband what he and you will be in for as the child gets older if he does not become a proper parent himself and discipline his child.
As mentioned above you in for some very serious problems. I can relate to this as one of family has a similar situation. As the child gets older he will expect to get his own way, not only in your home but in public, at work, etc. etc. A real problem for him. I would suggest a meeting with your husband when the child is not around, express to him your concerns and if he does not appear to agree with you seek professional councelling. The experts will inform your husband what he and you will be in for as the child gets older if he does not become a proper parent himself and discipline his child.
Cowgirl
Well-Known Member
Everyone is saying "talk to him" and "get counseling", completely forgetting that the husband has to be receptive to such for it to have any effect. I have to believe that she's talked to him about this before. It's unlikely that her first communication on this issue was with strangers on a forum.
Sweet 16
^^8^^
You got much bigger problems than deciding whether or not to let this brat cry. Hitting should never, ever be tolerated I don't care if you're the mailman or who you are!! Dad needs to get a grip and get a handle on his own kid before the kid AND the marriage are ruined.
baileydog
I wanna be a SMIB
Get a good divorce lawyer NOW, and please , whatever you do, DO NOT breed with this man. Cut your losses and go. This will only get worse and what the hell is with the dad that you are not allowed to dicipline this child.
Chasey_Lane
Salt Life
At this point, that's taking things a little far, don't you think? At least try to talk to the man first.
USWWarrior
It's a Jeep thang!
Well, I have read these posts with great interest and even a flashback of a very vivid nightmare.
Raising a kid today is one of the most difficult things to do. Raising a step-child is one of the few things more challenging. If the two adults are not on the same page, then it is destined to fail.
I went throughy this very thing. I am not going to place blame on any one. The mistake I/we made was that we did not discuss parenting, rules, boundries etc. before our marriage. After the marriage, I assumed things would just "fall into place". Well they didn't and it soon became a marriage of convenience and "for the kids sake". Which I will never do again.
So, after living through what you are experiencing I can say this:
1. Talk to him, let him know your goals, intentions, and expectations.
2. If he is receptive, hold him to it.
3. Both talk with the child at the same time, have the father tell the child, she (you) is my wife, etc. What she says goes.
4. Maybe compromise just a little which shows your willingness to work it out.
If the father wants nothing to do with working it out:
1. Suggest some family counselling to work it out as a family. Do not threaten but suggest or highly recommend. Tell him it is for the best interest of the child and the newly formed family.
If the father goes beserk and will not even consider your feeling or concerns:
1. Well I am sorry but then it is time to find that divorce lawyer.
I want to make sure of one thing. If you threaten "its the kid or me" he will most likely defend the child. I am not saying he is right, it sounds like the reaction I would expect after hearing your side of the story. It also sounds like other adults are involved which makes the scenario even worse.
You could always take the "it's not my kid approach". I don't recommend it but that is an option. "Oh honey, you need the kid picked up from school? I am sorry, it is not my kid so I can't pick him/her up.
Again, I do not recommend that but I have seen people do it.
Ultimately, I do believe most people are correct on here. I don't think this is going to last long.
Bottom line: If you two can't agree, then why are you there.
Raising a kid today is one of the most difficult things to do. Raising a step-child is one of the few things more challenging. If the two adults are not on the same page, then it is destined to fail.
I went throughy this very thing. I am not going to place blame on any one. The mistake I/we made was that we did not discuss parenting, rules, boundries etc. before our marriage. After the marriage, I assumed things would just "fall into place". Well they didn't and it soon became a marriage of convenience and "for the kids sake". Which I will never do again.
So, after living through what you are experiencing I can say this:
1. Talk to him, let him know your goals, intentions, and expectations.
2. If he is receptive, hold him to it.
3. Both talk with the child at the same time, have the father tell the child, she (you) is my wife, etc. What she says goes.
4. Maybe compromise just a little which shows your willingness to work it out.
If the father wants nothing to do with working it out:
1. Suggest some family counselling to work it out as a family. Do not threaten but suggest or highly recommend. Tell him it is for the best interest of the child and the newly formed family.
If the father goes beserk and will not even consider your feeling or concerns:
1. Well I am sorry but then it is time to find that divorce lawyer.
I want to make sure of one thing. If you threaten "its the kid or me" he will most likely defend the child. I am not saying he is right, it sounds like the reaction I would expect after hearing your side of the story. It also sounds like other adults are involved which makes the scenario even worse.
You could always take the "it's not my kid approach". I don't recommend it but that is an option. "Oh honey, you need the kid picked up from school? I am sorry, it is not my kid so I can't pick him/her up.
Again, I do not recommend that but I have seen people do it.
Ultimately, I do believe most people are correct on here. I don't think this is going to last long.
Bottom line: If you two can't agree, then why are you there.
Last edited:
crabcake
But wait, there's more...
I'm not reading this entire thread to see if this was already mentioned yet or not, but you need to explain to daddy and the little one that the "step"-parent is just that -- he/she "steps" into the mommy/daddy role when the other is not there. While I may not think that DQ's step mom is the sharpest tool in the shed, DQ has been told that when I'm not there (e.g., she's at dad's house), she's to adhere to her stepmom's rules/direction as if it were me dishing it to her. Dad needs to understand that, as well.
If he doesn't want you parenting his other child, will he trust you to parent the children you two may have down the road? :shrug: Until he allows you some parenting responsibilities with his current kiddo, do NOT get knocked up with any between you and he!
If he doesn't want you parenting his other child, will he trust you to parent the children you two may have down the road? :shrug: Until he allows you some parenting responsibilities with his current kiddo, do NOT get knocked up with any between you and he!
suddenlysingle
New Member
I really feel bad for the situation that you are in. I can tell you that my boyfriend has a 14 year old that comes for just the summer. It's absolutely terrible when he's out here. He has no bounderies or rules except pick up his trash behind him when he's in common areas. There is no bed time, no rules at all. I'm afraid that the poor child you are mentioning is doomed to be like this 14 year old. I decided a couple of years ago not to marry my boyfriend since I realized that he didn't parent at all. I suspect that some parents have a hard time being a parent when they only get their kids part time. It's really tough to be in a step parent role with a kid when the other parents aren't supportive. I would like to comment that sometimes with four year olds, a babysitter is probably giving them a nap and it might last most of the day. That might be the problem with him going to sleep at night.
I wish you tons of luck with this problem, I really feel for you.
I wish you tons of luck with this problem, I really feel for you.
clevalley
...
Sounds like the problem is what my wife and I had (her child) - are there different home lifestyles? If so - you need to talk with your husband and agree on some boundaries, then talk to the ex :shudder-to-think:... you have to do it.
There needs to be one set of rules for the child and make them stick... as long as the ex's can agree on a rule set and implement it things will get better.
If not, you are doomed.
There needs to be one set of rules for the child and make them stick... as long as the ex's can agree on a rule set and implement it things will get better.
If not, you are doomed.
godsbutterfly
Free to Fly
I got remarried last February to a man who has custody of his two children. They are now 12 and 15. I didn't have too much resistance from the girl who was 14 then.She needed a lot of female guidance that she had not had before. She was a little reluctant to share her father as she had the role of "princess" and was afraid I would take all of that away from her. The son was and still is hard to get close to. He does not like to be touched and he is also allowed to pretty much do whatever he wants to do. His father makes excuses for him and overcompensates for him because he has always been reclusive and emotionally behind in his development. He tests my authority and is very defiant to me. We have had many go rounds. This child does not want to use deodorant or brush his teeth. My hubby and I have had some real major discussions and even fights because I am not letting this kid rule the household. Hubby is coming around slowly but surely. I love my hubby but I deserve to be respected. I love those kids and would do most anything for them but I won't lay down to be walked all over by them!
Cowgirl
Well-Known Member
I disagree with you here. I don't think they need to get the ex involved. Think about how she'll react when her husband tells her how to raise her kids. Ideally, the parents would want to be on the same page with parenting styles, but that's probably not going to happen. The child will learn what the rules are at each house.
BS Gal
Voted Nicest in 08
Get out. Things are not going to get better.
charlesctygal
New Member
I talked to mother in law last night, and she said that child is confused by not having both parents together and that child wonders if she is with her mom, why is her dad not their, or vice versa. I explained to her that the child has known this life since she was born, so this is nothing new and that most kids today live in blended (step) families. Mother in law still did not agree. I can understand child wanting to be with one parent when with the other, but if this is all the child is acustomed to knowing, then?? Maybe I am a little confused. I just dont get how husband and mother in law can both make excuses for this child's behavior, and never accept the fact that father will not set ground rules. Every time husband says he is going to make child sit at table and eat, the next day I see the child on the floor eating with her tray, or sleeping on the couch, AGAIN. Hubby and I are having a long talk tonight regarding this...
You don't sound confused to me. You sound like the sane one in that family.
nobody really
I need a nap
I was in the same situation - my husband had custody, the kid was spoiled, bad attitude, etc. Divorced three years now.