Why women "don't like nice guys"

[Baja28]

You're Signature is almost amazing ignorant !

I wish when you come to in the morning you'd post how bad your hangovers are.

That is almost amazing ignorant! Why would you want the guy on Halloween to rise hats in the wind?

Because the Fairmount is loose for the bender when it gets cold. The boat has nothing to do with lucky charms.

 

[migtig]

This is a great tread.

BTW, my husband is a nice guy and many of you know it. I appreciate that most about him and consider myself a lucky woman. As Bored Mommy once said herself, there's a butt for every seat. :shrug:

I'm with Nickel, I've met many self-called "nice guys" who turned out to be passive agressive a-holes.

 

[RoseRed]

You need a serious reality check then.

I'm just being truthful and many can't handle it. Oh well; life goes on...

Neither can you.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

I like nice guys and I married one.

 

[BadGirl]

I like nice guys and I married one.

So did I.


I think we both lucked out.

 

[SamSpade]

This is a great tread.

BTW, my husband is a nice guy and many of you know it. I appreciate that most about him and consider myself a lucky woman. As Bored Mommy once said herself, there's a butt for every seat. :shrug:

I'm with Nickel, I've met many self-called "nice guys" who turned out to be passive agressive a-holes.

I remember a conversation I had with my older sister in the early 90's, when she was serially dating and continually meeting up with the same kind of reckless guy. My younger sister was doing the same thing, except she tended to stick it out a little longer. In both cases, they both knew a guy who cared deeply for them, was mature, responsible, had a good job and would have made an excellent life companion.

They had the same answer - nice guys are boring. They weren't fun. They didn't know how to party all night. They were often predictable. And my older sister made the case that with a nice guy, the mystery is gone. With a bad boy, you always wonder if they still want you, find you captivating, find you sexy. With the nice guy, that's a closed case. He's already on the hook, as my sister would say. I suppose it's the female version of "the chase" that men find so interesting.

And if that's what you always want out of a relationship, then that's probably what you're going to look for. Nearly twenty years later, they both kind of think maybe they made a mistake, but then they shrug. Oh well.

I also think it's part of the same process that young adults try to pursue the hottest girl in school because it reflects on their own worthiness. A "nice man" is perceived as an easy catch; a bad boy, much more difficult. If you can somehow get the top prize, it reflects on your own worth.

More or less, I stopped this around college. My perspective was that a nice girl, a really nice one was actually very *hard* to find, and much harder to impress. They weren't easily fooled (unless they were total nitwits) and that finding one was more a matter of extremely good fortune. I don't know why my siblings thought nice guys were easy to find - they seemed to find jerks VERY easy to find.

 

[vraiblonde]

I remember a conversation I had with my older sister in the early 90's, when she was serially dating and continually meeting up with the same kind of reckless guy. My younger sister was doing the same thing, except she tended to stick it out a little longer. In both cases, they both knew a guy who cared deeply for them, was mature, responsible, had a good job and would have made an excellent life companion.

They had the same answer - nice guys are boring. They weren't fun. They didn't know how to party all night. They were often predictable. And my older sister made the case that with a nice guy, the mystery is gone. With a bad boy, you always wonder if they still want you, find you captivating, find you sexy. With the nice guy, that's a closed case. He's already on the hook, as my sister would say. I suppose it's the female version of "the chase" that men find so interesting.

And if that's what you always want out of a relationship, then that's probably what you're going to look for. Nearly twenty years later, they both kind of think maybe they made a mistake, but then they shrug. Oh well.

I also think it's part of the same process that young adults try to pursue the hottest girl in school because it reflects on their own worthiness. A "nice man" is perceived as an easy catch; a bad boy, much more difficult. If you can somehow get the top prize, it reflects on your own worth.

More or less, I stopped this around college. My perspective was that a nice girl, a really nice one was actually very *hard* to find, and much harder to impress. They weren't easily fooled (unless they were total nitwits) and that finding one was more a matter of extremely good fortune. I don't know why my siblings thought nice guys were easy to find - they seemed to find jerks VERY easy to find.

Good post.

There are a lot of women who want to be "THE ONE". You know, THE ONE who is so wonderful that she makes a bad boy go good? I've never known that to actually happen - bad boys tend to remain bad boys - but I know several women who've tried their darnedest.

I think everyone wants excitement when it comes to a romantic interest. They want to feel that thrill when they look at their partner, and be in love. It would be rare for someone to go, "You know what? I don't feel anything for this person other than fondness - I think he's the guy for me!" So then it boils down to what attracts them to a mate and gets them excited.

Upon consideration, men don't really go for "nice women". They want that excitement as well, and we've all seen them pass up a great catch to chase after some woman they wouldn't be happy with later.

So who knows.....

 

[Hank]

Good post.

There are a lot of women who want to be "THE ONE". You know, THE ONE who is so wonderful that she makes a bad boy go good? I've never known that to actually happen - bad boys tend to remain bad boys - but I know several women who've tried their darnedest.

I think everyone wants excitement when it comes to a romantic interest. They want to feel that thrill when they look at their partner, and be in love. It would be rare for someone to go, "You know what? I don't feel anything for this person other than fondness - I think he's the guy for me!" So then it boils down to what attracts them to a mate and gets them excited.

Upon consideration, men don't really go for "nice women". They want that excitement as well, and we've all seen them pass up a great catch to chase after some woman they wouldn't be happy with later.

So who knows.....

So, are you a nice girl or a bad girl?

 

[SamSpade]

I think everyone wants excitement when it comes to a romantic interest. They want to feel that thrill when they look at their partner, and be in love.

I've had this conversation with female friends - many of whom, their husband is also my friend - who have mentioned that so much of that thrill is gone, and they want it back. They wonder if the love is still there.

Biologically, I know it can't. There's a reason why your brain is so flooded with hormones and emotions at the first thrill of romance, at least, there's a chemical reason. It's why people feel that insecurity/thrill/mystery at first romance. It deteriorates over time, because it's like a drug-induced stupor, and it CANNOT sustain a long lasting relationship. I mean, you might want to LIVE on cocaine, but sooner or later you're going to have to eat real food.

And I admit, until I adopted children, I didn't quite get the whole "love is a choice" thing. I don't love anything in this world so much as my wife and children, but it's not like every minute of the day they're always lovable. But that's a different kind of feeling, and I have to make a conscious effort all the time to keep it going. I think in some relationships where "the thrill is gone" it's because the thrill is all they want, and at least one of them has long stopped keeping the fire going.

Upon consideration, men don't really go for "nice women". They want that excitement as well, and we've all seen them pass up a great catch to chase after some woman they wouldn't be happy with later.

So who knows.....

I mostly did - most of the time - so long as "nice woman" wasn't just a euphemism for "woman who doesn't have anything else going for her but nice". I've many times been utterly smitten by a woman who wouldn't get attention if her looks were all you saw. You know that expression that goes "character is who you are when no one's looking"? It can be impressive to see the person you're with when they don't know you're around - and you find out they're really wonderful. At least once or twice in my life I've dated a woman who wasn't at all attractive, but as I got to know her more and more through her friends, co-workers and learned of her life, I began to realize that looks or not, I might be damned lucky just to be her *friend*.

 

[Hank]

OK V, there`s always a little of risk (choose a better word if ya wanna) involved in getting to know sum1 better, or even after ya do. What will other ppl say, scru em, not out to please any1 else.
That lil risk no matter when or where keeps more than just the sparks alive, it makes ya want to be bad. Hell any boring person is 2 me a no-go. Humans are meant to have fun & be happy.
Doesn`t have 2 b a battle, supposed to be a lil challenge sure, no matter who thinks they (may) have won.

Compromise. b smart w/o feeling that u`ve given in to any submission.

Like was std, if 2 ppl r smart enough from go-street, aka can converse, & even ? relate to certain likes/dislikes.
If that ember doesn`t even exist from the initial rendevouz, then Hey so be it.

U`ll neva know until sum1 makes that initial move, whether verbal or otherwise! Everything has a starting point. How you continue on is ^ to both parties.

Listen & Just be yourself, how much simpler can that be?

As U also often have std, Comprehension is a must, and most def inline with that is Trust.

You have STD's???

 

[Gilligan]

OK V, there`s always a little of risk (choose a better word if ya wanna) involved in getting to know sum1 better, or even after ya do. What will other ppl say, scru em, not out to please any1 else.
That lil risk no matter when or where keeps more than just the sparks alive, it makes ya want to be bad. Hell any boring person is 2 me a no-go. Humans are meant to have fun & be happy.
Doesn`t have 2 b a battle, supposed to be a lil challenge sure, no matter who thinks they (may) have won.

Compromise. b smart w/o feeling that u`ve given in to any submission.

Like was std, if 2 ppl r smart enough from go-street, aka can converse, & even ? relate to certain likes/dislikes.
If that ember doesn`t even exist from the initial rendevouz, then Hey so be it.

U`ll neva know until sum1 makes that initial move, whether verbal or otherwise! Everything has a starting point. How you continue on is ^ to both parties.

Listen & Just be yourself, how much simpler can that be?

As U also often have std, Comprehension is a must, and most def inline with that is Trust.

Bingo! Exactly the ideas and words I was struggling to put together but couldn't.

 

[BadGirl]

So, are you a nice girl or a bad girl?

Hellllloooooooo.

 

[Hank]

Hellllloooooooo.

ahhhhhh damn

 

[Hank]

no u dumazz, I`ll make the rite gurl a Gr8 catch.

Conceited? Me? U Damn Right I am. & 100% Confident! sumthing u will neva achieve so u can politely #### off, & go bother yr kind on your FYL.

u far xceed the def of a FIDIOT!

When you catch them, where do you store them?

 

[vraiblonde]

I think in some relationships where "the thrill is gone" it's because the thrill is all they want, and at least one of them has long stopped keeping the fire going.

See, and I know firsthand that you can keep the thrill going. Not every hour or every day, but you can still look at that person after many years of marriage and want to rip their clothes off. I know a couple who have been married for almost 50 years, and they still flirt with each other and clearly find each other wildly attractive.

If you don't have that in the first place - that spark and attraction - you will never have it. You'll like your spouse okay and have a good life with them, but meh - no passion. For some people, that's okay and they can be satisfied with that. But there are others who will pass on a perfectly wonderful man/woman because there's no chemistry, and take up with someone less physically attractive, less compatible, less pretty much everything because of the spark and connection.

When he's leaving his dirty underwear all over the place and being a whiny PITA, it's easier to get past it if you have a genuine passion for him.

 

[itsbob]

So did I.


I think we both lucked out.

You're MUCH luckier than the rest of them..

I mean.. c'mon!!

 

[GWguy]

I've had this conversation with female friends - many of whom, their husband is also my friend - who have mentioned that so much of that thrill is gone, and they want it back. They wonder if the love is still there.

Biologically, I know it can't. There's a reason why your brain is so flooded with hormones and emotions at the first thrill of romance, at least, there's a chemical reason. It's why people feel that insecurity/thrill/mystery at first romance. It deteriorates over time, because it's like a drug-induced stupor, and it CANNOT sustain a long lasting relationship. I mean, you might want to LIVE on cocaine, but sooner or later you're going to have to eat real food.

And this is exactly why there is flirting outside the marriage, thinking back to that other flirting thread. They like their partner, love their partner, but are plain bored. The flirt provides that hormone boost.

As long as it's kept in-bounds, it can be very beneficial for the marriage.

 

[vraiblonde]

As long as it's kept in-bounds, it can be very beneficial for the marriage.

But wouldn't it be easier to just marry someone you're attracted to in the first place, and flirt with them?

 

[GWguy]

But wouldn't it be easier to just marry someone you're attracted to in the first place, and flirt with them?

Most people do, but after years things change, the spark fails.

 

[SamSpade]

See, and I know firsthand that you can keep the thrill going.

I agree, but there's a part of it that *requires* input from you. At least one couple I know, they think it's gone because somehow against reason they think it arises spontaneously. That's part of the "choice" you make. You know your spouse after many years, and you get used to them doing little nice things for you - and some part of you *should* remember they don't have to do any of it. Sometimes, it's dumb stuff like, call your mom, she just got out of the hospital (and some part of you says, WTF? hospital?) and you realize - this is a good person who cares about you, your children, your family. Sometimes, more than YOU do.

I know I appreciate it because I didn't get married until I was a lot older. I have MANY years of living on my own or with roommates who would never do anything for me (well, most of them). I came to appreciate how nice it was to have a girlfriend who came over while you were at work and cleaned up your house or yard for you and went back home. So I see this nice person, and I think, yeah, I do complain a lot about the things she does that exasperate me, but over all, she does a great job of taking care of me, and I will always appreciate that.

Before I got married, I wrote MYSELF a note to remind me of what life was like before her, just so I wouldn't do what everyone does - think of how *GREAT* it was before them. I've done this before - write myself notes when I make big, life-altering decisions, so I can realize - yes, I HATED life at that college, and I will never miss it. I *hated* that job, and I'm glad to be away. I *hated* that city and I longed to move away.

It takes a mental effort, but it really isn't hard. You just have to pay attention.