Dysfunctional.
Mental illness.
Does your brother have a therapist? Belong to a support group? There are a lot of issues dealing with disabilities.
He distrusts doctors, which is a product of spending most of his childhood in hospitals. He had about a dozen major surgeries (like spinal fusions) by the time he was 18, so that is understandable. Since then he has refused all attempts by the doctors to do more surgery until a couple of years ago when he tore his rotator cuff. Imagine being a paraplegic and losing the use of one arm. In his defense, he's been hearing for 25 years that if he doesn't get this surgery or that he'll die within five years. As I said, he's about to turn 50, which is much older than any doctor ever expected.
He sees asking for help as a sign of weakness, so he will not do it. When he lost his house there were programs in place specifically for people in his situation, but he refuses to accept help. He could go on permenant total disability, but he will not because he is too proud to do it.
He also hates being around other disabled people, so support groups are not an option for him. I mentioned to you that he was put into special ed when he was little even though he has no mental disability, and he has fought that stigma ever since. People see a physically handicapped person and they tend to assume they are also mentally challenged. Being around those who face similar issues, especially those who do have mental disabilities, is something he is not willing to do.
One thing I had to learn the hard way is that there is no way to help anyone who is not willing to accept help, and there is no way to make them willing. That must come from them. That goes for mental health, addiction, my wife's driving, and just about everything else.
He is surviving, it just seems to be such a miserable existence. But our mom is 72, and I'm shocked she's lasted this long. I don't know how much longer she'll last. I don't know how that will affect him since they are so co-dependent. She's really the only constant in his life since he has isolated himself from everyone else. They have lived together for the last 15 years.
That brings up something else that I've been wrestling with - I've asked myself how I'll react when our mom goes, and I really find it hard to imagine that I'll care. Her father, my grandfather, died while I was in boot camp, and I was offered the opportunity to leave to attend his services but I refused. Now I feel the same way about her. It seems so heartless to not feel any sense of loss, but on the other hand it isn't based on a resentment or hate. It is just that I have come to accept that she is sick, she will never do what it takes to regain her mental health, so she has essentially been dead to me for five years. And it's not like there are many childhood memories for me to look back on and reminisce.
Sorry to have hijacked your thread again Vrai.
